Okay so I don't have a cape, and I certainly don't wear my underwear outside my clothing but one thing that Superman and I have in common is that we both have a Total Identity Crisis!
This starts with the old me. I was very selfish back then, not in a nasty way, just in a "I've only got myself to think about" way. When I found out I was pregnant I was living in a lush city centre apartment on the 12th floor with views that covered three counties. I spent my money in Selfridges and probably tripled the weekly recommendation of alcohol units. I have to say, life was good. I was an avid follower of fashion and all things shallow. Oh god I hate myself!
I don't know when things changed but here is an example of how they have... On my twitter account I used to follow Z listers and people from the fashion world. Some of them are still on my list. I was reading an update from a well known Fashionista the other day, and I was disgusted. I thought 'Is that all you have to worry about?' Their shallowness made me sick. That whole world does now.. but this was me, just over 12 months ago.
So anyway, here we are. The Frog is almost four months old now and I am ready to return to a little bit of the old me. I mean that is who boyf fell in love with, who my friends know me as and lets face it... that IS me. So I have planned a night out. A night out with the girls.. easy enough.. yes?
No. no it is not easy enough, its bloody impossible! First of all I hate being away from the frog, even for an hour. We are joined at the hip (or boob) and totally dependent on each other. And secondly there is the whole drinking issue. I have only drank once since having the frog, at her Christening and that was a bloody disaster. Breastfeeding and drinking do not go together - no matter how well prepared you are. And thirdly, I'm worried I won't enjoy it. I'm forcing myself into doing this to prove that I'm more than just a mummy, but if I'm being honest it fill me with dread. .. Que another blog!
I'll tell you a secret... When I was eight months pregnant and feeling huge. I went to Ann Summers and bought a load of new underwear. I wanted to feel sexy again. I wanted to feel attractive again. So I was planning after the baby was born, to get myself into shape and look all yummy mummy in my shiny new bra's and pants. Four months in, where is that underwear? Hanging in the wardrobe, still with tags.
I'm having a total confidence crisis. Twice I have planned this night out.. Done everything, text all my friends, created a facebook page.. I've even booked a booth at the swanky wine bar. The first time I booked it I just panicked the week before and cancelled it. Then I felt stupid, I guess I feel as though I'm losing a bit of me amongst the breastpads and sudacrem. So I've re-booked it all. And this time I am going to go.
The problem is, I don't know who I am anymore. I guess that is something which I took for granted before, knowing yourself, is a gift which doesn't come as easy as it should. I feel as though I have the old me sat on my left shoulder looking like a hot funky Devil and a wholesome Waltons-style Angel sat on my right shoulder. They are both screaming at me at equal volumes and I'm sat somewhere in the middle with a headache.
If the old me was giving me advice she would say "You're still you... Just with a baby". Well thats bollocks. Having a baby doesn't just make your boobs bigger and your ass wider. It totally changes your perception on life, it makes you want to change the world. Well your world anyway. I want my daughter to grow up in a better world than I did, and to achieve that, I need to be better.
I no longer live in a city centre apartment, I have a nice semi-detached house, in a nice village. I follow nice people on Twitter and I think, no, I know, that my views are less shallow. I need to accept that I am never going to be the Devil again, but I don't want to be an angel either. So I need to find myself... I know I'm here somewhere. But for now I'll just keep looking..
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