After having her second admittance into hospital the Frog finally appears to be on the mend and smiling again. Im so glad my little princess seems to be getting better, but her becoming poorly has left me feeling awfully exposed. Don't get me wrong, the frog is not ill, we are very lucky. She is a healthy strong little girl, she has had a common infection, and had a bit of trouble with her tummy. Nothing in comparison to what so many parents go through, but it is enough for me to feel the weight of our responsibility.
The frog has become ill on two occasions. Both times I have been on my own with her. Despite the fact that neither has resulted in anything serious (Thank god!) I found both incidents very scary. I dealt with the situation responsibly and did what any decent parent would do, she got the treatment she needed and everyone was happy. Until we got home.
After two days of being in the safety of the hospital, the frog and I spent Monday alone as the boyf returned to work. After I gave her breakfast I looked at the frog, sat in her high chair and was filled with a sense of dread, fear, horror. I didn't want to be alone with her. I didn't want that responsibility. She was fine, I was fine. But what if something went wrong again? What if she picked something up while I wasn't looking? What if she started to choke, had a seizure or fell?
I know I could deal with it, but I didn't want to. I didn't want the bear the weight of parenthood.
We were of course fine. We were fine on Monday, and Tuesday and today. This evening, the frog slept after her last feed, I realised that this is the curse of parenthood. The ying that balances the yang. Because for all the wonderful feelings of joy my daughter brings, she also brings a duty I will never escape. I have never felt joy like the overwhelming pleasure she gives me, but for every smile that she creates, it does not come for free, the price to be paid is the responsibility which I now own. It is mine to keep.
I promised to look after her, from the moment I saw that blue line, and look after her I will. I would never turn my back on that responsibility, but I will never underestimate its enormity either.
The purpose of this blog is not too moan about the weight of parenthood, it is to say only this......
I love you, my precious precious little frog. xx
Wednesday 28 September 2011
Friday 23 September 2011
My Crazy Frog
Since Birth, the frog has been a little 'clingy'...although I hate that term as it sounds so negative. I don't mind her attachment, we have a fantastic bond.
I remember when she was first born, all purple and covered in gunk. She lay on my chest and was screaming! I held her close as I tried to comfort her. It took what felt like ages, as I whispered "it's okay, it's alright, Mummy will take care of you." Eventually she settled, warm against my skin.... and that is where she has wanted to be ever since.
Frog has always had a problem with two things, sleeping and being put down. She has never gone to sleep on her own.... ever. She was swaddled until she was 12 weeks old, and I could no longer get the swaddles to stretch over her and for the past six months we have played this game over and over again,
Feed, sleep, put down, cry. Pick up, feed, sleep, put down, cry. She wouldn't even sleep in her pram. She would lay there screaming until I picked her up, which I inevitably did, because I HATE hearing her cry. So we have formed this habit. At 7pm each night she goes to bed, and so it begins.
She wakes maybe 3,4,5 time a night. Every time I do what she wants, I take her out of the crib, comfort her, feed her and send her back to sleep. She is the only one of our baby group who doesn't sleep through the night. And not only does she not sleep through, she is a bloody insomniac! I know she is not hungry, I know she wakes for comfort, I know I could leave her on me, and we would both sleep all night, but I'm trying really hard to do my best by her.
She does need to get used to her cot, she can't sleep on me or in my bed (I will not co-sleep) but at the same time I will not leave her to cry in her crib (Despite the advice of all my family and even my HV)... its so hard work and I am so exhausted. I have not had a block of more than two hours in such a long time. It makes me want to cry. The boyf understandably loses patients with her when she screams, and with me for being so soft, but what else can I do? I promised I would take care of her, and that is what I will do.
I will feed her when she is hungry, warm her when she is cold and I will comfort her when she is upset. Even if it is 2am, 3am, 4am and 5... that is surely my job?
If anyone has any advice, tips or words of encouragement, they are very very welcome xx
I remember when she was first born, all purple and covered in gunk. She lay on my chest and was screaming! I held her close as I tried to comfort her. It took what felt like ages, as I whispered "it's okay, it's alright, Mummy will take care of you." Eventually she settled, warm against my skin.... and that is where she has wanted to be ever since.
Frog has always had a problem with two things, sleeping and being put down. She has never gone to sleep on her own.... ever. She was swaddled until she was 12 weeks old, and I could no longer get the swaddles to stretch over her and for the past six months we have played this game over and over again,
Feed, sleep, put down, cry. Pick up, feed, sleep, put down, cry. She wouldn't even sleep in her pram. She would lay there screaming until I picked her up, which I inevitably did, because I HATE hearing her cry. So we have formed this habit. At 7pm each night she goes to bed, and so it begins.
She wakes maybe 3,4,5 time a night. Every time I do what she wants, I take her out of the crib, comfort her, feed her and send her back to sleep. She is the only one of our baby group who doesn't sleep through the night. And not only does she not sleep through, she is a bloody insomniac! I know she is not hungry, I know she wakes for comfort, I know I could leave her on me, and we would both sleep all night, but I'm trying really hard to do my best by her.
She does need to get used to her cot, she can't sleep on me or in my bed (I will not co-sleep) but at the same time I will not leave her to cry in her crib (Despite the advice of all my family and even my HV)... its so hard work and I am so exhausted. I have not had a block of more than two hours in such a long time. It makes me want to cry. The boyf understandably loses patients with her when she screams, and with me for being so soft, but what else can I do? I promised I would take care of her, and that is what I will do.
I will feed her when she is hungry, warm her when she is cold and I will comfort her when she is upset. Even if it is 2am, 3am, 4am and 5... that is surely my job?
If anyone has any advice, tips or words of encouragement, they are very very welcome xx
Tuesday 20 September 2011
Human or Dancer
Do we build our own path or do we leave it to the hands of fate?
During our pregnancy with the frog I did massive amounts of research about birth, and birth choices. I was enthusiastic about Hypnobirth and used the technique during birthing. We had a lovely birth and were very pleased with the whole experience. It changed my perspective on birth, and in the weeks that followed I realised that, not only had I become a mother, I had opened the door to something else. A passion. A passion about birth, and becoming a mother.
The frog had unlocked something inside me, and I knew I couldn't let it end there. My research didn't stop, I spoke to Hypnobirth practitioners, read endless amounts of material and joined on-line debates and forums about birth and pre / post natal issues. I could read read read, and never get bored. Eventually I spoke to the boyf about my passion, and we agreed, this was not something I could let go to waste. This is something that I have to make part of our future. I am passionate that other people can have a positive birth and that there is so much that can be done to change the attitudes towards birth in this country. So work towards it we will.
But then real life gets in the way. I can not afford to give up work, We have responsibilities, two houses, two cars, a child, debt. I cannot be selfish and follow my dreams to the detriment of my family. Real life has jumped up and slapped me in the face.
So just when I sink back into my realistic but glum chair, fate plays a helping hand. Liverpool PCT are recruiting volunteer Doulas, to help people in the community. The courses are provided and payed for by the PCT. Unbelievable.
Honestly the same week that I start to doubt if my passion will ever become a reality, I receive the application form. Here is a way I can volunteer part time, and work part time. Embrace my passion, following my path, while not shunning the responsibilities of an adult.
So I ask you, are we Human, or are we Dancer?
During our pregnancy with the frog I did massive amounts of research about birth, and birth choices. I was enthusiastic about Hypnobirth and used the technique during birthing. We had a lovely birth and were very pleased with the whole experience. It changed my perspective on birth, and in the weeks that followed I realised that, not only had I become a mother, I had opened the door to something else. A passion. A passion about birth, and becoming a mother.
The frog had unlocked something inside me, and I knew I couldn't let it end there. My research didn't stop, I spoke to Hypnobirth practitioners, read endless amounts of material and joined on-line debates and forums about birth and pre / post natal issues. I could read read read, and never get bored. Eventually I spoke to the boyf about my passion, and we agreed, this was not something I could let go to waste. This is something that I have to make part of our future. I am passionate that other people can have a positive birth and that there is so much that can be done to change the attitudes towards birth in this country. So work towards it we will.
But then real life gets in the way. I can not afford to give up work, We have responsibilities, two houses, two cars, a child, debt. I cannot be selfish and follow my dreams to the detriment of my family. Real life has jumped up and slapped me in the face.
So just when I sink back into my realistic but glum chair, fate plays a helping hand. Liverpool PCT are recruiting volunteer Doulas, to help people in the community. The courses are provided and payed for by the PCT. Unbelievable.
Honestly the same week that I start to doubt if my passion will ever become a reality, I receive the application form. Here is a way I can volunteer part time, and work part time. Embrace my passion, following my path, while not shunning the responsibilities of an adult.
So I ask you, are we Human, or are we Dancer?
Sunday 11 September 2011
Silent Sunday
I am new to Silent Sunday, despite having learnt today that a) it has been running for 10 months and b) that it has now ended :(... (thank you for the post @mummytoboo http://booandme.co.uk/2011/09/10/silence-for-silent-sunday/)
So I missed it, which Im quite sad about, but I understand how an idea can develop into a passion then into a poison. Hell, Jim Heselden died after one of his Segway's went off a cliff!
So despite missing the boat, Im going to try to join in the post-blog fun by adding my #SilentSunday, to mark the events of our week. We have spent the past week in a caravan, in a very wet part of Wales. It rained every day, but do you know what, it didn't matter. The three of us were together, we read, we talked, we ate. It was a lovely family holiday. So here is our picture to sum it up. Okay, so I know I just broke the rules because, it wasn't that silent. But its my first time... I promise to keep my mouth shut next time...
11/09/11 #SilentSunday
So I missed it, which Im quite sad about, but I understand how an idea can develop into a passion then into a poison. Hell, Jim Heselden died after one of his Segway's went off a cliff!
So despite missing the boat, Im going to try to join in the post-blog fun by adding my #SilentSunday, to mark the events of our week. We have spent the past week in a caravan, in a very wet part of Wales. It rained every day, but do you know what, it didn't matter. The three of us were together, we read, we talked, we ate. It was a lovely family holiday. So here is our picture to sum it up. Okay, so I know I just broke the rules because, it wasn't that silent. But its my first time... I promise to keep my mouth shut next time...
11/09/11 #SilentSunday
Friday 9 September 2011
Am I a feminist?
Having just finished Caitlin Moran’s, ‘How to be a Woman’ (which incidentally is one of the best books I have even read) I find myself asking the question, Am I a feminist?
Well of course I bloody am!! I have spent my whole life being a tom-boy. From making a ‘Den’ in Reddish Vale to driving high powered motor vehicles and drinking like the best of them, I have spent my whole life with a ‘anything they can do!’ attitude.
Here I am, working in a male environment along side ‘old timers’ with a ‘life on mars’ attitude to the working woman. I have worked bloody hard to get where I am, nothing has phased me, I’ve taken it on the chin and am now respected as ‘one of the guys’. Hell yeah Im a feminist! Yet, at the tender age of 30, I am planning on giving it all up to be a Mummy. Whats more, I want to start my own business, helping women to do the one thing that will always keep them separate from men. The one thing that keeps the sexes apart, I want to help women birth.
So am I still a feminist? I think I am. Birth has always been taken care of by the women folk, sisters, nurses, midwives, call them what you will. Since the dawning of time, birthing babies was women’s work. Until the 1940's when the men became involved. Suddenly laboring women were lay on their backs, in clinical environments while male Doctors rummaged around inside them using instruments of torture to remove their babes. Birth was transformed, in the 1940’s - 1950's birth was fixed. Except it wasn’t broken.
Don't get me wrong, medical science is a marvelous thing, more babies lives are saved in the UK now than ever before, and this can only be a good thing. But thousands of women give birth every day, without the need of intervention. For these women, science can actually hinder the birthing process, leading to a painful, and fearful labour. Which can ironically lead to more intervention. It’s a vicious cycle of fear and equipment.
So getting back to my point about feminism. Yes I plan to work towards removing myself from my current environment. But I want to do this, not to give in to the underlying sexism that still exists in the workplace (don’t even get me started on this one!) But to use my energy and will, to give women strength, power, a voice. But more than anything, to give women education and choice.
In the1940's birth choice was taken away from women. Hospital births, bed births, births by intervention became the norm. Woman were left in fear and dread of labour, and the consequence was 2011 where intervention is an acceptable norm and cesarean rates are on the up.
So please don't think for a second that by following the trend of women who give up their career after the birth of a child, I am turning my back on my sisters. On the contrary, I have seen a massive injustice between the sexes, and I want to give the power of birth back to women. Yes I am a feminist. Yes I’m ready to fight.
P.S. Never really liked my day-job anyway :)
Thursday 1 September 2011
What would you change???
Having a newborn is a sacred and wonderful time. It is also, exhausting confusing and hard bloody work! It is made all the more difficult by the number of people who offer conflicting advice, and the number of parental help books out there. I now feel in a place where the Frog and I know each other, we work together well and understand each others needs. But it took a while to get here.
I look back at the first three months of her life with wonderful feelings of love and happiness, it was a joyous time. And to be fair, I think we did pretty well, all things considered. That is not to say however that there are a few things I would do differently (god willing) next time around.
1) Throw the bloody books away. I read a few 'parenting' books in pregnancy which gave a real insight into having a baby... until the baby came along. The frog wouldn't conform to 3hourly feeds or go to bed a 7pm. This stressed me out so much. I thought there was something wrong with her, with me. I thought she was hard work because I couldn't fit her into a box, but she was just a baby. Those books made me miserable and didn't help with my parenting style. Finally I realised, it wasn't us that was the problem... the books went into the bin!
2) Trust my instincts. This relates to point 1, but is not just about the books, its all that 'helpful' advice you get too. Don't get me wrong many of the little pieces of advice that were passed on were fantastic. But there is no-one that knows that baby like its mother, deep down, it think I knew this. I think I always really knew what the frog wanted when she cried, but lack of confidence and people giving 'constructive criticism' knocked me for six. I wish wish wish I had trusted myself more, it took at least three months for me to have the strength to go with what I felt, and do you know what, when I did, life got a whole deal easier.
3) Spend more time getting naked and having skin on skin. Everyone tells you that they are not small for long, and it is so true. Already the frog gets bored if she is left in the same place for any length of time, even on Mummy. But when she was small, 6 weeks old small, she would quite happily lie on me for hours. I never ever appreciated that. I don't think I ever spent one full day in bed with her skin on skin. Only moving to use the toilet or eat. If I could have my time again, this is one thing i would definitely change.
4) Feed, feed and feed. Okay we have had massive issues feeding the frog. Mainly because she is hungry. Not understanding the supply and demand basis of Breastfeeding, not feeding on demand created a vicious circle, which mainly involved, one or both of us crying. I blame my feeding issues on bad advice and reading those stupid books. Frog was never going to feed every 3hours, I was lucky if I got two hours out of her. If I had fed her as she required then my body would have produced the quantity she needed, but I didn't, this resulted in a hungry baby and supply issues for me. I have to take responsibility for this myself though. I am aware of breastfeeding groups in my area and I was too scared to ask for help. If I had attended the groups while I was still pregnant, I would have had more realistic expectations and understood what I was doing.
5) Not beating myself up for giving her Formula. Frog still has one bottle of Formula a day. I wish she didn't, but she does. It is one bottle, it is not ideal, but it is one bottle. I need to accept that this is not a terrible thing and she will still be okay..... I'm still working on point 5.
6) Not trying to be me too soon. When the frog was five weeks old, I went running. I don't know why the hell I did that, because it did my fitness (and my pelvic floor muscles) no good what-so-ever. I was so desperate to feel fit again, but it made me feel rubbish, it affected my breastfeeding and generally affected my confidence. There is no point in doing anything cardiovascular before 12 weeks in my opinion. I wish I could have shouted at myself, "You will run again, just slow down!"
7) Take more pictures, Ah we only have about three or four crappy pictures from Frogs first day on earth. Obviously they are not crappy, but it was a wonderful day and this is just not reflected in what we have. For the frog more than anything else, I really wish we had more to show her from that wonderful time.
8) Stop doing so much. During the first six weeks of her life, I don't think there was a single day when we didn't do something. Of course we were desperate to show her off and to be a fabulous family, but in hindsight, all that rushing about slightly ruined that time for me. First of all, I was exhausted, I was just trying to please everyone else, dragging the frog from place to place. I was still getting to grips with breastfeeding and being awake most of the night, I just think we were trying to prove ourselves to someone.. maybe to show we could cope? I'm not sure, but it did us no good at all.
9) Make people come to us. My family and most of my friends live 45 minutes away from us. For them to come to us takes 45minutes in the car, for me to go to them was a full event. It was (and still is) exhausting, packing the bags, taking Frog in the car, disrupting her eating and sleeping pattern. I wish I was stronger, and strong enough to say no. To make them make the journey... hmmmm... Im still working on point 9...
10. Sit back, relax and breathe her in. Okay I do this, but not enough... I don't know if any mother could ever do this enough. If I cannot change anything else, then this is something that I must change and today. To not be afraid of doing nothing other than smelling her head.... now that is priceless...
I look back at the first three months of her life with wonderful feelings of love and happiness, it was a joyous time. And to be fair, I think we did pretty well, all things considered. That is not to say however that there are a few things I would do differently (god willing) next time around.
1) Throw the bloody books away. I read a few 'parenting' books in pregnancy which gave a real insight into having a baby... until the baby came along. The frog wouldn't conform to 3hourly feeds or go to bed a 7pm. This stressed me out so much. I thought there was something wrong with her, with me. I thought she was hard work because I couldn't fit her into a box, but she was just a baby. Those books made me miserable and didn't help with my parenting style. Finally I realised, it wasn't us that was the problem... the books went into the bin!
2) Trust my instincts. This relates to point 1, but is not just about the books, its all that 'helpful' advice you get too. Don't get me wrong many of the little pieces of advice that were passed on were fantastic. But there is no-one that knows that baby like its mother, deep down, it think I knew this. I think I always really knew what the frog wanted when she cried, but lack of confidence and people giving 'constructive criticism' knocked me for six. I wish wish wish I had trusted myself more, it took at least three months for me to have the strength to go with what I felt, and do you know what, when I did, life got a whole deal easier.
3) Spend more time getting naked and having skin on skin. Everyone tells you that they are not small for long, and it is so true. Already the frog gets bored if she is left in the same place for any length of time, even on Mummy. But when she was small, 6 weeks old small, she would quite happily lie on me for hours. I never ever appreciated that. I don't think I ever spent one full day in bed with her skin on skin. Only moving to use the toilet or eat. If I could have my time again, this is one thing i would definitely change.
4) Feed, feed and feed. Okay we have had massive issues feeding the frog. Mainly because she is hungry. Not understanding the supply and demand basis of Breastfeeding, not feeding on demand created a vicious circle, which mainly involved, one or both of us crying. I blame my feeding issues on bad advice and reading those stupid books. Frog was never going to feed every 3hours, I was lucky if I got two hours out of her. If I had fed her as she required then my body would have produced the quantity she needed, but I didn't, this resulted in a hungry baby and supply issues for me. I have to take responsibility for this myself though. I am aware of breastfeeding groups in my area and I was too scared to ask for help. If I had attended the groups while I was still pregnant, I would have had more realistic expectations and understood what I was doing.
5) Not beating myself up for giving her Formula. Frog still has one bottle of Formula a day. I wish she didn't, but she does. It is one bottle, it is not ideal, but it is one bottle. I need to accept that this is not a terrible thing and she will still be okay..... I'm still working on point 5.
6) Not trying to be me too soon. When the frog was five weeks old, I went running. I don't know why the hell I did that, because it did my fitness (and my pelvic floor muscles) no good what-so-ever. I was so desperate to feel fit again, but it made me feel rubbish, it affected my breastfeeding and generally affected my confidence. There is no point in doing anything cardiovascular before 12 weeks in my opinion. I wish I could have shouted at myself, "You will run again, just slow down!"
7) Take more pictures, Ah we only have about three or four crappy pictures from Frogs first day on earth. Obviously they are not crappy, but it was a wonderful day and this is just not reflected in what we have. For the frog more than anything else, I really wish we had more to show her from that wonderful time.
8) Stop doing so much. During the first six weeks of her life, I don't think there was a single day when we didn't do something. Of course we were desperate to show her off and to be a fabulous family, but in hindsight, all that rushing about slightly ruined that time for me. First of all, I was exhausted, I was just trying to please everyone else, dragging the frog from place to place. I was still getting to grips with breastfeeding and being awake most of the night, I just think we were trying to prove ourselves to someone.. maybe to show we could cope? I'm not sure, but it did us no good at all.
9) Make people come to us. My family and most of my friends live 45 minutes away from us. For them to come to us takes 45minutes in the car, for me to go to them was a full event. It was (and still is) exhausting, packing the bags, taking Frog in the car, disrupting her eating and sleeping pattern. I wish I was stronger, and strong enough to say no. To make them make the journey... hmmmm... Im still working on point 9...
10. Sit back, relax and breathe her in. Okay I do this, but not enough... I don't know if any mother could ever do this enough. If I cannot change anything else, then this is something that I must change and today. To not be afraid of doing nothing other than smelling her head.... now that is priceless...
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