Having a newborn is a sacred and wonderful time. It is also, exhausting confusing and hard bloody work! It is made all the more difficult by the number of people who offer conflicting advice, and the number of parental help books out there. I now feel in a place where the Frog and I know each other, we work together well and understand each others needs. But it took a while to get here.
I look back at the first three months of her life with wonderful feelings of love and happiness, it was a joyous time. And to be fair, I think we did pretty well, all things considered. That is not to say however that there are a few things I would do differently (god willing) next time around.
1) Throw the bloody books away. I read a few 'parenting' books in pregnancy which gave a real insight into having a baby... until the baby came along. The frog wouldn't conform to 3hourly feeds or go to bed a 7pm. This stressed me out so much. I thought there was something wrong with her, with me. I thought she was hard work because I couldn't fit her into a box, but she was just a baby. Those books made me miserable and didn't help with my parenting style. Finally I realised, it wasn't us that was the problem... the books went into the bin!
2) Trust my instincts. This relates to point 1, but is not just about the books, its all that 'helpful' advice you get too. Don't get me wrong many of the little pieces of advice that were passed on were fantastic. But there is no-one that knows that baby like its mother, deep down, it think I knew this. I think I always really knew what the frog wanted when she cried, but lack of confidence and people giving 'constructive criticism' knocked me for six. I wish wish wish I had trusted myself more, it took at least three months for me to have the strength to go with what I felt, and do you know what, when I did, life got a whole deal easier.
3) Spend more time getting naked and having skin on skin. Everyone tells you that they are not small for long, and it is so true. Already the frog gets bored if she is left in the same place for any length of time, even on Mummy. But when she was small, 6 weeks old small, she would quite happily lie on me for hours. I never ever appreciated that. I don't think I ever spent one full day in bed with her skin on skin. Only moving to use the toilet or eat. If I could have my time again, this is one thing i would definitely change.
4) Feed, feed and feed. Okay we have had massive issues feeding the frog. Mainly because she is hungry. Not understanding the supply and demand basis of Breastfeeding, not feeding on demand created a vicious circle, which mainly involved, one or both of us crying. I blame my feeding issues on bad advice and reading those stupid books. Frog was never going to feed every 3hours, I was lucky if I got two hours out of her. If I had fed her as she required then my body would have produced the quantity she needed, but I didn't, this resulted in a hungry baby and supply issues for me. I have to take responsibility for this myself though. I am aware of breastfeeding groups in my area and I was too scared to ask for help. If I had attended the groups while I was still pregnant, I would have had more realistic expectations and understood what I was doing.
5) Not beating myself up for giving her Formula. Frog still has one bottle of Formula a day. I wish she didn't, but she does. It is one bottle, it is not ideal, but it is one bottle. I need to accept that this is not a terrible thing and she will still be okay..... I'm still working on point 5.
6) Not trying to be me too soon. When the frog was five weeks old, I went running. I don't know why the hell I did that, because it did my fitness (and my pelvic floor muscles) no good what-so-ever. I was so desperate to feel fit again, but it made me feel rubbish, it affected my breastfeeding and generally affected my confidence. There is no point in doing anything cardiovascular before 12 weeks in my opinion. I wish I could have shouted at myself, "You will run again, just slow down!"
7) Take more pictures, Ah we only have about three or four crappy pictures from Frogs first day on earth. Obviously they are not crappy, but it was a wonderful day and this is just not reflected in what we have. For the frog more than anything else, I really wish we had more to show her from that wonderful time.
8) Stop doing so much. During the first six weeks of her life, I don't think there was a single day when we didn't do something. Of course we were desperate to show her off and to be a fabulous family, but in hindsight, all that rushing about slightly ruined that time for me. First of all, I was exhausted, I was just trying to please everyone else, dragging the frog from place to place. I was still getting to grips with breastfeeding and being awake most of the night, I just think we were trying to prove ourselves to someone.. maybe to show we could cope? I'm not sure, but it did us no good at all.
9) Make people come to us. My family and most of my friends live 45 minutes away from us. For them to come to us takes 45minutes in the car, for me to go to them was a full event. It was (and still is) exhausting, packing the bags, taking Frog in the car, disrupting her eating and sleeping pattern. I wish I was stronger, and strong enough to say no. To make them make the journey... hmmmm... Im still working on point 9...
10. Sit back, relax and breathe her in. Okay I do this, but not enough... I don't know if any mother could ever do this enough. If I cannot change anything else, then this is something that I must change and today. To not be afraid of doing nothing other than smelling her head.... now that is priceless...
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