First of all I should point out that the frog is my life. I love her unconditionally more than anything in the world. That is not to say life with a frog in tow always smells of roses.
As Im writing this blog my friends have all met up for drinks to celebrate the bank holiday weekend. All of the couples are out, all except ours, only one half of our team will be making an appearance tonight and it isn't this half. I'm staying in to look after the frog, I don't mind this, I really don't. To be honest most of the time going out just seems like hard work these days. So Im quite happy staying in, with my cups of tea and my computer. Or am I?
Just before the boyf left for the pub, he came upstairs to kiss me goodbye. I was trying to settle the frog who had woken for the second time, having been put down. Woken with a scream of a cry, which she would continue to do until she was rocked back to sleep. I said goodbye, holding back tears. They weren't tears for him because he was going out, they weren't tears for the Frog because she wouldn't settle, they were tears for me. Tears for what I had become and what I had lost.
The person who I was has not died, but she is a long long way from where I am now. And it is time for my grief to selfishly be heard. I am sad to say goodbye to my energy levels, to my laugh, to my intelligence and my looks. I am sad that I can no longer flutter money away on things I don't need, or spend my Sundays nursing the hangover from hell because I over-did it again. I am sad to have lost my spark, my sex-appeal and my mojo. They are gone, they disappeared during evenings trying to settle a baby who refuses to sleep, and bra's that clip off at the pad.
This post may sound unbelievably selfish, but it is a truth that we never speak about. When I first had the frog, I tried to fit back into my own clothes too quickly, and this fills me with regret now. But to pretend that I slipped into Mummy mode easily would be a lie. I love the woman that I have become. I am proud to be a mother, but I also grieve for the girl I have lost.
After 5months and 3days, I have finally realised that I will never be that girl again. That reality is hard and cold. But I am okay with it now, because with grief comes acceptance. So ladies, please, do not let your motherly guilt stop you from accepting your present. It is okay to grieve for you....
Sunday 28 August 2011
Tuesday 23 August 2011
Winging Weaning
Anyone, who talks to me for more than five minutes about babies, will soon hear me talk about breastfeeding and sleepless nights. Do they go hand in hand? I don't know, but one thing I do know is that I have one hungry girl.
She was born 7llb 5oz. In the first 10 days she put on a further 8oz. By the time she was 12 weeks old, she weighed over 12llb. All this was thanks to Mummy milk (yeay me). I'm not just telling you this because I want to big myself up, Im trying to paint the picture of the way my frog feeds.... Constantly! Up until I started the whole food thing, she would feed every two hours, day and night. Occasionally, she would go to three hours, but only after a bottle of formula (yes, I occasionally give her a bottle of the white stuff).
A few of my friends from the NCT had started weaning, but I just felt the frog was too small, too baby like. And I really wanted to hold out for baby led weaning. Then two weeks ago, everything changed. She had changed to hourly feeds through the night, and would cry through the day like she was a newborn again. After another sleepless Saturday night, I woke on a Sunday and decided. Today is the day, she is having baby rice.
A quick trip to the shops and we had it all, baby rice, puree pots, bowls, spoons, even special face wipes (I don't know why babywipes wouldn't do!) By now baby led weaning had gone out of the window. That day, that Sunday, I just knew she was ready, she needed something else. So we started...
Mouthful one never really happened. Mouthful two however, was more interesting, for me and her. As she tried to lap the slodge off the spoon, her body froze. Her expression priceless. If she could speak, she would have said "Oh my goodness.... This is amazing Mummy.. tell your friends... tell everyone.. baby rice is here!" Success.
A week after baby rice, I was stood in the kitchen puree-ing my ass off. So far we have tried, Apple, Butternut Squash, Parsnip, Carrot and Banana ... she loves it. And more to the point Im getting some sleep!!!!! We are still waking once or twice, but hey I can handle that!
We didn't do BLW, I didn't speak to the heath visitor (naughty) we haven't even followed a book. To be honest, Im not really sure what Im doing, but it is making the frog so much more content and she has done some hilarious poo's. I love getting my apron on and making my little freezer pots, so ...so far so good....
I wanted to do BLW because I thought it would be more natural, but as it turns out, Im just following my instincts... What could be more natural than that??
She was born 7llb 5oz. In the first 10 days she put on a further 8oz. By the time she was 12 weeks old, she weighed over 12llb. All this was thanks to Mummy milk (yeay me). I'm not just telling you this because I want to big myself up, Im trying to paint the picture of the way my frog feeds.... Constantly! Up until I started the whole food thing, she would feed every two hours, day and night. Occasionally, she would go to three hours, but only after a bottle of formula (yes, I occasionally give her a bottle of the white stuff).
A few of my friends from the NCT had started weaning, but I just felt the frog was too small, too baby like. And I really wanted to hold out for baby led weaning. Then two weeks ago, everything changed. She had changed to hourly feeds through the night, and would cry through the day like she was a newborn again. After another sleepless Saturday night, I woke on a Sunday and decided. Today is the day, she is having baby rice.
A quick trip to the shops and we had it all, baby rice, puree pots, bowls, spoons, even special face wipes (I don't know why babywipes wouldn't do!) By now baby led weaning had gone out of the window. That day, that Sunday, I just knew she was ready, she needed something else. So we started...
Mouthful one never really happened. Mouthful two however, was more interesting, for me and her. As she tried to lap the slodge off the spoon, her body froze. Her expression priceless. If she could speak, she would have said "Oh my goodness.... This is amazing Mummy.. tell your friends... tell everyone.. baby rice is here!" Success.
A week after baby rice, I was stood in the kitchen puree-ing my ass off. So far we have tried, Apple, Butternut Squash, Parsnip, Carrot and Banana ... she loves it. And more to the point Im getting some sleep!!!!! We are still waking once or twice, but hey I can handle that!
We didn't do BLW, I didn't speak to the heath visitor (naughty) we haven't even followed a book. To be honest, Im not really sure what Im doing, but it is making the frog so much more content and she has done some hilarious poo's. I love getting my apron on and making my little freezer pots, so ...so far so good....
I wanted to do BLW because I thought it would be more natural, but as it turns out, Im just following my instincts... What could be more natural than that??
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