First of all I should point out that the frog is my life. I love her unconditionally more than anything in the world. That is not to say life with a frog in tow always smells of roses.
As Im writing this blog my friends have all met up for drinks to celebrate the bank holiday weekend. All of the couples are out, all except ours, only one half of our team will be making an appearance tonight and it isn't this half. I'm staying in to look after the frog, I don't mind this, I really don't. To be honest most of the time going out just seems like hard work these days. So Im quite happy staying in, with my cups of tea and my computer. Or am I?
Just before the boyf left for the pub, he came upstairs to kiss me goodbye. I was trying to settle the frog who had woken for the second time, having been put down. Woken with a scream of a cry, which she would continue to do until she was rocked back to sleep. I said goodbye, holding back tears. They weren't tears for him because he was going out, they weren't tears for the Frog because she wouldn't settle, they were tears for me. Tears for what I had become and what I had lost.
The person who I was has not died, but she is a long long way from where I am now. And it is time for my grief to selfishly be heard. I am sad to say goodbye to my energy levels, to my laugh, to my intelligence and my looks. I am sad that I can no longer flutter money away on things I don't need, or spend my Sundays nursing the hangover from hell because I over-did it again. I am sad to have lost my spark, my sex-appeal and my mojo. They are gone, they disappeared during evenings trying to settle a baby who refuses to sleep, and bra's that clip off at the pad.
This post may sound unbelievably selfish, but it is a truth that we never speak about. When I first had the frog, I tried to fit back into my own clothes too quickly, and this fills me with regret now. But to pretend that I slipped into Mummy mode easily would be a lie. I love the woman that I have become. I am proud to be a mother, but I also grieve for the girl I have lost.
After 5months and 3days, I have finally realised that I will never be that girl again. That reality is hard and cold. But I am okay with it now, because with grief comes acceptance. So ladies, please, do not let your motherly guilt stop you from accepting your present. It is okay to grieve for you....
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