2012... a whole new year..

Welcome to 2012!

We have now all said goodbye to 2011, a year which saw the birth of my wonderful Frog and which saw the most amount of personal growth for me. Its a year that may never be topped, but I dont want the momentum to slow down or stop, so Im getting right onto 2012... keeping my passions strong.

So as frog transforms from a baby to a little person, I want her to develop at her own pace, full of confidence and love. I was her to feel secure and safe, to know that he family are always there and that its okay to try new thing.... most of all I just want her to know that everything is okay.

I return to my day job in 9 days. Working four days Frogs childcare is split between, nursery, her Daddy and her grandparents. In all honesty if our circumstances were different I wouldn't be returning to (that) work just now, but I must be grateful for the 9 1/2 months that we have shared, so many mothers are not so lucky. Both Frog and I have benefited greatly from the time that we have had together.

I wouldn't want to be a Full Time SAHM, but I would be doing the work that I want to do, the work that makes me passionate and which I feel I am now destined to follow, so this brings me on to my other New Beginning for 2012. I will be starting my own business, this is incredibly exciting, not that I think I will make my millions through my birthing company, but I do truly believe in the cause. I hope that it will give Frog and I more time together and in the long run I hope it will become my day job. I want to escape the daily drudge, the rat race, the stress of doing a job that doesn't make me tick. I want my work to be me, to represent me, I want to love what I do, and do it because I love to do it. I want the Frog to learn the freedom and desire that comes from being self employed, I want her to see and know a different me.

2012 is just the beginning, Im going to start slowly, with training and expanding my knowledge. Then in May I hope to begin teaching Lazy Daisy birthing classes. By the end of the year I hope we will be in full swing, finding a balance between day job, passions, motherhood and family life.

2011, lit the candle within me, it made my passions shine. The Frog like a guidance light showed me the way. My only hope for 2012 is that the flame grows and grows.

“You’ve got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle.

As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.” Steve Jobs 1955 - 2011.

Happy New Year xx

The big fat blog of the year...

January 2011
Was Kinda Uneventful.  We had moved into our house on Christmas Eve and Boyf was obsessed with building a safe house for our little bambino that was due in three months time. It was snowing. The house was in chaos. I was feeling more and more pregnant and getting more and more tired. I struggled with my pregnancy more than most. My memory of january is pretty pants.

February
The snow had started to melt, but the house remained in chaos. I became more and more stressed about not having an organised place to have a) a home birth and b) a newborn. Boyf promised tools down by the beginning of March. I was feeling worse and had to reduce my hours at work. I was swollen.. every bloody where!!

March
Along came a frog. On 25th March 2011, 5 days after finishing work our beautiful miracle was born. Our birth was amazing, our newborn was beautiful. My world was complete.

April
The first month. Wow thats tough, no? Zero sleep, constantly feeding. Trying to do everything. Nothing fits. and this little tiny, little thing, cries.....alot! To be honest, I didn't find it that hard, she fed brilliantly, she didn't sleep, but I was on such a high I didn't care. I loved my precious little bundle. I loved holding her, feeding her, kissing her. We bonded so well. Many funny poo moments, me learning to dress this screaming doll... the first time she opened her eyes, the first time she smiled.... yes April was a precious month.

May
A holiday to Cyprus when Frog was 9 weeks old. In hindsight it was really hard work, but we did it, it gave me massive confidence and it gave the three of us some time together as a family. Cyprus was a key moment in our journey and one which I am so grateful for. It was a beautiful holiday with very happy memories. We did it, us. Our little family.

June
Frog and I are getting to know each other more and more. While Boyf is at work, we are getting around going to baby groups and doing the family big shop. My memory of June is me... pushing the pram very fast.. almost running.. Being late for something or other.. I am trying really hard to live a wonderful and active life... and I am managing.. just. Life is good.. Frog is three month old and things are slowly getting easier.


July
Boyf and I go on a date. It is a success for us, but frog has a terrible time. I feel awful and vow not to go out again until she is 14! It is Frogs Christening. It's a fantastic day and she looks amazing, all of our friends and family are there and I get a bit tipsy. Everyone is happy. By the end of July, Frogs sleeping habbits are worse than ever.. I am very very sleep deprived.

August
Possibly the worst month of the year. Due to Frogs terrible sleeping habits I decide to wean her.. a mistake. I start with a bit of baby rice. She becomes a little constipated but nothing a little breast milk wont shift. Then at the end of august I stay with one of my friends for the weekend, I am drinking so I decide to give Frog a mix of expressed milk and formula. I end up drinking more than expected and as a result Frog has more formula then expected. This combined with the early weaning was all too much for the little boo and on 23rd Aug she was rushed to hospital with a blockage in her tummy. No words can describe the awful fear that passed through me. I am haunted forever by that day. it was awful.

September
Is a much better month! After the awfulness that was August we decide to get away in September and have a wet week in Wales. We go to Porthmadog for a week in a caravan. It rains every day. Its brilliant! the three of us all snuggled up each day, reading books, eating, playing with Frog. We have a fabulous week, its lovely. I slowly start trying to wean Frog again, but again she ends up in hospital. It was 24th Sept, one day before she is six months old. I look at it as a positive. I promise myself to return to exclusive breastfeeding and I am introduced to Baby Led Weaning. It's a revolution.


October
Its my birthday!!!! We plan to go out, but I don't really want to. After Frog being ill, I don't want to do anything other than hold her and feed her. So we stay in and get a take away, its perfect! October is quite tough, since returning to EBF frog is feeding every two hours, Im getting a bit too skinny and Im knackered. Everyone is pressuring me to feed her more solids / formula but I stick to my guns and I am right to. By the end of Oct she is secure and happy. She had Bowen treatment on her bowel which is amazing and she is like a different baby! I am introduced to the 'no cry sleep solution' It's bloody brilliant! Finally we start to sleep.

November
Its Boyf's birthday!!! Well on the 29th it is! We decide this time we are going to go out.. so I spend the month preparing. This is also a good test to see if I can express for when I return to work. I've always been rubbish at expressing, but this time I have to make it work. I get less that 1oz the first few times. There are 12 bags in the freezer and its only enough for one bottle. It's time to face the fact I'm not going to be able to breastfeed when I return to work. Anyway, boyf and I go out, we drink wine, we are home before midnight and we have an amazing time together. We are all so content. I'm not sure I could be happier!

December.
I stop breastfeeding. I take this very hard, it has an effect on me physically and psychologically that I wasn't expecting. There are some good aspects to it. Frog is sleeping better, she appears happier, Boyf can feed her now and I can have a Christmas drink. But I miss it terribly, Im gutted, I feel very sad about the fact I stopped too soon, very sad indeed. Anyway... We have a wonderful Christmas together. Frog is amazing on Christmas day, she is wonderful. Boyf and I are skint, we buy each other very silly presents that make us both laugh and love each other even more. This Christmas means more than any other ever has. I feel incredibly blessed. I love my life. I love 2011.

P.S...... The house will get finished in 2012 ;-)

Goodbye sweet nursing bra's... I miss you..

This is a very hard post for me to Publish. 

As anyone who knows me or reads my sh@t will know, I am very pro-breastfeeding. I hope to train as a breastfeeding councillor and to help people in the way in which, I was helped in the early days. So it fills me with sadness to say that on 1st Dec 2011 I officially stopped breastfeeding frog (although I have fed a few times since) That was the official stop date. :-( Frog is only 9 months old, I wanted her to have Mummys milk for 2 years, or at least 12 months, but our wonderful, special journey has come to an end. 

After trying to change jobs, trying different ways of expressing, working out every which way to manipulate my shifts it became clear that i wasn’t going to be able to keep feeding once I returned to work on 9th January. I wanted to give us both time to adapt and if I am being brutally honest there were some selfish reasons for me stopping too. I wanted (or thought I did) to be able to spend more than two hours away from frog without having to plan for it like a military operation, and shamefully I wanted to have a Christmas drink without having to worry about units, calculating hours, feelings of guilt in case alcohol is still in my system. Everyone else thought it was the right time, and so did I ... so I stopped, and now my milk has gone. 

So why do I feel so awful? Well, mostly it is for the frog, I really wanted her to have the best start for the longest time possible. Also for me, I feel all the emotions I expected to, regret, guilt, loss, failure, grief? I miss it.. I really miss feeding her! I miss the closeness we shared and the fact that ONLY I could have that with her, it was our bond, our thing. 

Maybe most of the feelings I have are caused by the hormonal changes within me. Very quickly your body let you know that things have.... changed. Frog misses it too, for the first two weeks, she head butted me constantly, threw her open mouth onto me as her signal that she wanted to nurse. She has stopped that now too.. she knows, that her milk now comes from Dr Brown, not Mama frog. 

I am very proud of our journey together, When I was pregnant I wasn’t even sure I would breastfeed, then when I had her, I aimed for 4 months. I almost gave up after 5 weeks and I honestly think that if I wasn’t going back to work we would still be going strong. We got to (almost) 9 months and had many problems along the way. I have learnt so much about this amazing nurturing skill. I am very grateful to the frog for giving me this fantastic experience, and I have nothing but fond memories of feeding my little girl. She is wonderful and so am I.

I will always be a strong supporter of breastfeeding Mama’s. I will always smile at the lonesome Mum trying to breastfeed in a coffee shop with a scarf in one hand, fidgeting baby in the other, I will always give a hug to the mother who says “she’s still every two hours’ or ‘I know she’s comfort feeding ..but..’ ... But also, after the last month, I will ALWAYS listen to the Mum who tries breastfeeding and stops for whatever reason, because breastfeeding isn’t easy, but stopping is very very hard. 

Goodbye sweet nursing bras. I will remember your awkwardness, your unsupportive style, and your unflattering designs, with nothing but fondness and love. 

Until next time... Goodbye xx

Best year of my life.... EVER!

In thirteen days my maternity leave comes to an end. I return to work, and life will return to 'normal'. Well our new normal.

When I left work on 17th March 2011, more than one person asked, "How long are you having off?"
"Nine months" I replied. And more than one woman said to me "Oh I couldn't wait to get back, it drove me insane, no adult conversation". I am not that woman.

I can honestly say that the last nine months have been the best of my life. I love my daughter like I never knew possible, and I feel closer to the boyf than I ever have. We have all slipped into our new roles brilliantly and I have enjoyed morphing into my new 'Mummy' role.

It hasn't all been a bed of roses, there have been many tears, one or two screaming fits, and more than once feelings of complete and utter failure, but on the whole...  When ever I look back over March - Dec 2011 ... it is all ... bloody brilliant.

This year has changed my life, not only because I have become a Mother, but because I have changed my outlook, my beliefs, my dreams, values and my world. I have been shook to the core and what has emerged is a person so different to the one I was before.

2011 was amazing, but what makes me so blinking excited is that I know.... I bloody know... that 2012 is going to be pretty awesome too.

Merry Christmas my lovely people, and a very very happy new year xx

AWOL

Hello everyone...

I have been away, not on holiday, or doing anything nice, I have been away from my laptop.

Last Thursday week, Real life jumped up and slapped me across the face. Not once but three times. This was always going to happen.. but it did and to be honest it was a bit harsh.

Over the past 9 months, Frog and I have created a secret world, a rabbit hole, a cellar door. This world is full of love, security, the safety of our home. This world has got time, nurture and patients. In this world, sleepless nights, constant feeds and 'attachment parenting' (hate that phrase) don't matter. Because this world is ours, her world revolves around me, and mine around her. This world is / was our maternity haven.

But last week, 'things' became reality. Three things happened in one day. Without going into all the grimey details, I should explain that I own a house which for simplicities sake, I will say has been rented out for the past two years. That was always going to come to an end in Dec 2011. Now if it wasn't for this house, I might not be going back to work just now, I might of had other options. But I don't [have other options] and I do [Own that stinky house]. So Boyf and I made the decision to get rid. I bought the stinky house in 2007, when property prices were at their best so we always knew, there would be a hit.

So Thursday last week, we had it valued.... This was the first reality slap, and...oh my.. it hurt.

The same day I received two phone calls, the first was from my boss. I have applied for part time hours, so I was expecting the call, it was supposed to be a simple yeay or nay. But oh no... that would be far too easy, instead I was told, I could have the hours I requested, but only if I go and work down south for 6 weeks first. Yes thats right... six weeks. six friggin weeks. oh work glorious work.

The third thing was an unexpected phone call from Frog's nursery. It wasn't a bad thing, they want to start some settling in days with froggo. I know it has to happen, but I can't help feel she is being taken away from me. I have this deep fear, she is going to forget that I am her mummy.

So that is where I have been. Three things. One day. Real life.....

I knew it had been there, lurking, waiting in the shadows to take my wonderland away, but that day. Thursday week, real life beat me to a pulp.....what RL doesn't know tho... is that I always fight back!

xx

I'm a Celebrity (no I'm not)

So, I tweeted a picture yesterday of Abby Clancy...
The picture was in The Sun newspaper and can be seen here.  There is no denying that Ms Clancy looks amazing, and it must be incredible to own a body like that, but...  Abby had her baby on the same day as me, and, this may surprise you, but I do not look like that! Nails, hair, stomach, that girl is groomed to perfection.
She is holidaying in Dubai after opening the Embassy club.

I can't say any more, because I really don't want this post to be judgemental. (even tho by the very nature of writing it, I am being). I was just open mouthed surprised when I saw that pic. Partly because of how she looks (but she is a model), partly because she is holidaying in Dubai (and I don't know if baba as back at the hotel - maybe), partly because she was opening a new super club (we're all entitled to a night out right?), but mostly because she would want to be photographed / portrayed that way.

I can't imagine the pressure celebrities are under to get back on form, and work after having a baba. But we are all under pressure to get back to work, even more so us 'normals' who are not married to multi-millionares.

I love celebrity Mum's who have become mothers. Danny Minogue, Salma Hayek, Gwen Stafani, Posh spice, Jolie.

These Mum's are under an awful lot of pressure, to look a certain way, act a certain way and take every job that comes to them, but being a Mother remains a priority. Cheryl Cole famously said of Danny Minogue - who gave birth part way through filming the X-Factor "She's breastfeeding one minute, and out on stage the next". Brilliant!

I don't know, but if I had the support networks and money that these women have, I would use it to my advantage to take my child where ever I went and make sure if I was having a beach holiday, my little frog would be with me paddling in the sea and trying to eat sand.

These woman have it tough in a different way to us, their image is their pay packet. But surely at some point, on some level, a decision is made about what image they want to portray and how they are going to achieve it. Maybe its easier when you have the simple life like me. I don't have invites to Dubai or money for glamourous hair extensions. But I know how guilty I feel, when I leave the frog for just an hour, especially when I'm doing something for me.

I really didn't want to sound overly judgemental, I just hope all mothers who are being pulled and stretched back into their former lives are not doing so at the cost of their baby, their bond and themselves.

Th end is in sight... 'sad face' :(

I had a little cry tonight.. here is the reason why.

The end of our breastfeeding journey is in sight, and I feel very very sad.  I go back to work in 6 weeks, and we have looked at every option, and there is no way we are going to be able to continue exclusive breastfeeding once I go back. So we have started to combination feed to get the little frog used to the formula before she 'has' to have it. Already I can feel my body changing as its requirement to feed has dropped. I hate it, I hate the fact we are being forced into stopping, I hate that Frog doesn't cope well with formula (constipation), I hate that I am so good at feeding her. hate hate hate.

I have been putting the lottery on every week in the hope that something will change and I won't have to return to work, but we haven't won, so back I go. Sometimes I really resent work, as if it is my employers fault. It isn't, we did look into pumping at work, but I don't work regular hours and wouldn't have the opportunity every day, depending on what I was doing, so it isn't a realistic option. It's not work's fault, I have a good well paid job, I never thought that this would be an issue for me.

I am hoping to keep the morning feed if nothing else, hopefully the evening feed too, but that can't be guaranteed every night.  But the morning feed, I will fight tooth and nail to keep, if my body will let me.

A few people have said "can you not just....." "what about if you...." "have you thought about..." It doesn't help. We have thought of everything and this is it. Those comments - which Im sure people make with the best of intentions - do not help, they just make me feel worse than I already do. So so sad.

So apart from all the health benefits, the frog's constipation problems, not meeting the WHO guidelines of two years, the pain in the backside of sterilising etc... do you know what I'm really gutted about??
I will really really miss it. Me. Mummy. I will miss it. I'll miss the frogs eyes gazing up at me, I'll miss our secret time. I'll miss the fact that only I can feed her, and can't be apart from her. I'll miss the pride I have when I feed in public, I'll miss my milky smiles. Gosh I'm filling up again.....

Anyway, I've got six weeks, before the dreaded return, so I'm going to savor every moment and treasure every feed.

I love you little frog xx

Story of my life.

So here we are trying to get through Chapter 21 and it is already tough. Looking after the Frog while trying to study is hard going (as I'm sure any new mum who decides to embark on a new challenge will tell you). I've not returned to work yet, and the next few months / years are going to be really hard work. I know that, it will be a struggle to manage everything but I'm not going to be naive, I'm going to have a fight on my hands, but I can not lose sight of the goal. I can not let it fall through my fingers. I need to keep the momentum up and my dreams alive.

Here is a true story......

When I was about 19/20years old I was studying for a HND in Sport Science.  I wanted to be a Sports Development Officer at Manchester City Council. It was really hard to get into that type of work, and the only way really was to be a professional sports person (which I was not) or, to have a good level of voluntary work under your belt. It was a way-in, so I applied to the Sports Disability Trust through Josie Cichockyi (an athlete that I was lucky enough to know back then).

Early into the Summer I was bumming about at my parents house watching Richard and Judy, there was a competition on, so I called the 0898 number (sorry Mum & Dad) and left my answer. It was one of those phone in's where the caller answers a bunch of questions and wins a thousand pounds for each correct answer. So I left my name and number after the beep, and returned to dunking biscuits in my tea.

To my utter surprise, a lady from ITV called me back. I had got down to the final three callers, I was to leave my phone line open for the next 20 minutes, and if I was successful, someone would call me back. I couldn't believe it, eeeeeeeeekkkk  I was going to be on Richard and Judy!!!!  After 10 minutes, the phone rang...

It was Josie. There was a summer camp being run through the City Council, for kids with disabilities. There was one spot left for some coaching work, I couldn't believe it. What could I do???? I couldn't tell her to get off the phone, this was a call I had been waiting for, I really needed this work. I turned down the TV and paid attention to what she was saying. As I took down details of the job, I watched Barbara* from Northern Ireland win £14,000 in the Richard and Judy Competition.

I worked all summer as a voluntary coach, and I had a blast. The children were amazing and it was so rewarding, I honestly loved it. I still made the odd call to day time TV, but I never again got a recall, and never again came so close to £14,000.

The story of my life. It was a good lesson. Nothing is going to be handed to me on a plate, I'm going to have to work bloody hard to get what I want, but I can have a great time doing it.

Keep the dream alive. #chapter 21.

The big Co-Sleeping debate

Wow it has been all over the press this week hasn't it. Dr Nils Bergman, a paediatrician at the University of Cape Town in South Africa, has this week issued a report which states that babies sleep and develop better if they sleep in their mothers beds. 


Without doubt, I agree with this.


We have had a bit of a nightmare, as far as sleep is concerned with the frog. We havn't really Co-Slept with the Frog, but on the odd occasion, it has all become too much at 5am, the boyf has gone to sleep downstairs, and Frog has jumped in with me. Pillows and duvet off, she watches me closely as I pretend to be asleep. She will close her eyes, and with no tears she will drift off into a calm, serene sleep. When she wakes, she will simply look at me (then grab at my face) and coo until I wake too. This ONLY EVER happens when she is in our bed. She still doesn't self soothe on her own and usually - not always - cries shortly after waking up. 


Before the Frog was born I was terrified of SIDS. I had witnessed it through my work and had read all the literature that is given to you. There was not a chance in hell that I would have willingly slept with the Frog at that stage, as far as I was concerned it was irresponsible hazardass parenting. Then she was born. Now, Frog is my first baby, and I don't know what other babies are generally like, but the frog was HARD WORK. She refused to be put down, she wanted to be warm and held. She liked to fall asleep on the breast and stay on the breast. She was and still is very clingy, day and night, awake and asleep, Frog likes to know that Mummy is near-by. 


For the first four months of her life, I think I fell asleep with her every night while breastfeeding. This was not safe Co-Sleeping. I would sit upright in bed and feed her in the cradle position, with pillows and duvets around us and the boyf snoring next to us. I would almost always fall asleep, because I was exhausted. More than once I woke to find a tiny little frog had fallen as my arm had given way, her little head unsupported. I was taking far more risk's than a safe co-sleeper. But I had never been given any literature or any advice on how to breastfeed / co-sleep in a safe environment, because the 'authorities' are scared to death of issuing it. 

I have spent the past two days reading as much about the subject as I can. I had read in numerous reports that China and Japan treat Co-Sleeping as the norm, yet the cot death rate there is extremely low, the maternal smoking rate in Japan is almost 0 and the breastfeeding rate 70-75%. This shows that here in the West we are certainly not getting it right. 


The problem with Co-Sleeping in this country is that it is not socially acceptable, under ANY circumstances. So people do it in secret or do it with too many risk factors (like I did all too often). Instead of giving us (mothers) the facts, the terrified authorities just say "DONT DO IT" 


For me, the whole culture surrounding the first year of a babies life needs re-assing - but that is for a different blog. 


For us, and our little family, I am still terrified of SIDS. The frog is slowly getting used to her big cot, we still have the occasional 5am game of musical beds. But if we are ever blessed with a second newborn, would I be more open minded to safe co-sleeping, and prepare for it in advance of the babies arrival. You bet I would. Then hopefully I could write another blog about getting it right xx


Advice on how to Co-Sleep safety can be found Here 
The latest safety advice from FSID can be found Here

Not a post about elective caesarean.

Today there has been hot press about new guidelines from NICE that all women should get the right to an elective caesarean. As much as the poor Boyf has heard me rant on about this all day, I am not going to blog about it. Not today anyway.

Instead I have decided to blog about birth. I have only attended two births. The one in which I was born, and the one in which my daughter was. Both were natural vaginal births. Thus I only have personal knowledge about natural vaginal birth.

This blog is not meant by me to say, look how bloody brilliant I am, but, look how bloody brilliant birth can be.

This evening I have just started reading "Hypnobirthing' by Marie Mongan.  I am only two chapters in and I read the passage... "Reflect on how very special you are, as well as your feelings about the changes that are taking place as your baby develops." It made me think, about how very very special birth is.

I don't think you appreciate it when you are pregnant, or even immediately after the birth. But mothers who take the time to stop and think back to that moment, that point in your life, when your body did what it was supposed to do, what it was made to do. When you birthed your baby, and felt her on your chest, I really hope these mothers remember that moment with a smile.

We first notice how amazing we are when we feel the protective urge that we have for the little person growing INSIDE us! Then if you are fortunate enough to experience a natural vaginal birth, oxytocin (the love hormone) floods our body as it labours. Pain, yes. Uncomfortable, hell yeah! But torture it is not. Birth is not something to be feared or avoided. It is the most normal transition, which allows the existence of every mammal in the kingdom.

The same Oxytocin continues to flow as we birth our child's lifeline for the last nine months, the placenta. This large nourishing mass is not disgusting or gross, it is a marvellous extension of ourselves that has kept your daughter alive for almost a year. You produced this. You made this perfect environment for your beautiful baby to grow. This is wonderful. Newborns are not born, clean, cute and cuddely. They are real flesh and blood, they are your flesh and blood.

So following birth, your baby is no longer fed through his placenta, he need you to provide his milk, his food, he needs you to keep him alive. And guess what? As your milk flows, so does the magical Oxytocin. With all this love drug pumping around it is not surprising that women who have a vaginal delivery are a third less likely to suffer PND after birth.

So reading Mrs Mongan's famous book has forced me to sit back and reflect. Reflect on how amazing my body is, how amazing my hormones are, and how amazing bloody birth is.

Please don't fear birth, embrace it. It is what we (women) are designed to do.... And from my experience, it is .... well it is... just incredible.

changing our habits 25/10/11

This blog is not meant to be offensive to anyone, or to say what is right and what is wrong, it is simply somewhere for me to keep a log of our (hopeful) progress in the frogs sleeping habits.

Sleep deprivation, sleep training, controlled crying, crying it out, feeding to sleep, rocking to sleep. These parental techniques cause almost as much debate as breastfeeding, and likewise, each technique used is a very personal way of bringing up your child. There is nothing worse as a parent than not having confidence in the methods that you use. So whatever a parent decides to do, I strongly believe that the parent should believe it what they are doing.

This is where we are now, things are still not perfect, but things are changing slowly, and I believe so strongly in what we are doing now. I have confidence and faith that it is the right thing for her and us, and in my opinion it is slowly but surely working.

Before frog was born I'd read a couple of books about how important a sleep routine was, how important  it was not to build sleep associations and how at the age she is now she should be sleeping through. It breaks my heart to admit that when the frog was about 12 weeks old I left her to cry. Please don't villainise me... Frog is my first child, and I was acting on advise from the previous generation where CIO was unfortunately the norm. Anyway, it felt completely unnatural to me and made me cry almost as much as her. It also fed the fire of attachment that was burning in my heart. I wanted to hold onto the frog and never let her go.

So then we went the other way, I would feed her to sleep, co-sleep, allow her to feed when ever she wanted day and night, even if it was every hour, the frogs needs came before my own, and she was a very happy, content baby. But this had led to some unrealistic habits which, due to my impending return to work. I am trying to change.

I had been recommended the 'no cry sleep solution' and had managed to find the basic principles on line. To my relief I saw this is pretty much what we are already doing. I'm trying really hard to put the frog in her cot awake and to comfort her with cuddles instead of boobie. It's quite stressful (for me) at times and can take a good two hours of put down, cry, pick up, cuddle, sleep, before she finally goes off in her cot. Don't get me wrong, this method isn't perfect, she doesn't like it. She would be much happier staying on Mummy all night, but it does feel much kinder than other 'sleep training' meathods. I squeeze the frog with cuddles and kiss her each time I lay her down. She doesn't get too stressed, or scream and it just feels like it is working.

So after one week, things are already getting better. Frog twice last night fell back to sleep before I arrived at her cot. She went 4 hours between feeds (unheard of) and it only took two attempts of lying her down before she stretched out her arms and fell to sleep. Im not saying we've cracked it, but I do think frog is getting more comfortable in her cot.

2 months until I return to work, and Im feeling positive and happy we are on the right track. Love that crazy little frog xx

Chapter #21 update 22/10/11

I am writing this post so that I have something to remember my journey by. You may find it boring, it's not a gritty or glamourous post but it is my personal account of how I am getting on with chapter 21.

Last week I watched very inspiring video which you can see Here.  This video couldn't of come at a better time. I was feeling low about the size of the change I was trying to make, the amount of work that would be required and the potential financial suicide that I was about to committ. Then I watched this video and it made me cry with tears of passion. It re-lit the fire that was burning inside me and made me want to fight for me, for my family and for something that I truly believe in and love. I loved that in the video, Lindsey had kept a photograph record of her achievements and I realised that I should start at this stage keeping a record of my journey.

I do fear that I am spreading myself too thin. I worry that I will miss out on the frog, and she will miss the best of me. The truth is of course, all of this is for her. For our lifestyle, our life. I have to put the work in now so that she get the best of her mummy, her real mummy.

So here is it. I won't talk about my finances, but I will say that I cannot afford to not work. I need to earn a certain amount of money each month and bring in a 'wage'. So...

In January I will be going back to my day job. I am hoping to reduce my working week to a four day / 32hr week.  I have a meeting next month to discuss if this is possible and if I can stay in my office or if I will need to move. Either way, I will probably still have a 45minute each way commute... It fill me with dread to go back to that job, but it has to be done, so there is no point dwelling on it.

I have agreed the franchise on the Lazy Daisy Active Birth Class for Warrington. I have a home study manual to work through, as well as three books to read, marketing, research, advertising etc. I will start official training and taking lessons from Spring 2012. This will in time make me some money (I hope) and it will have to. The training is costing about £2800, which is not spare change, but I believe in this so strongly, I just know it will be a success.
Initially I am hoping to do one weekend and one evening class. If it takes off, then I will increase the classes and hopeful reduce my 'day job' working week to a three day week.

Finally I have applied to be Voluntary Doula with the Liverpool voluntary Doula scheme. This involves another home study workbook, where I need to produce essays, that are graded and if successful I will receive a qualification equivalent to an A level. The training covers birth, breastfeeding, PND, everything I need to support vulnerable women when they need it most. The training will take me to February, when I would be matched to a pregnancy and offer an hour of support a week, up until the birth, then two post natal visits as required. I am currently up to the interview stage. There are about 60 women who have applied for 20 places. Fingers crossed I get a place.

I almost didn't apply for the Doula scheme, I thought it was one stage too much, but the boyf convinced me otherwise. He has so much faith a belief in me. He can see how passionate I am about this, and he pushes me to be a better person. I love his positive energy, and he is right, this is such a good opportunity I have to at least try.

Above all other jobs and everything else, I want to be a good mother to the frog, I want her to have my time energy and love and I want to fight to achieve this. I want her to be successful in whatever she decides to do. I want her to follow her passions and believe in her dreams, so I am going to lead by example. Don't be a pen pusher following a pension. Be true to yourself and follow your dreams.

I know its going to be hard, but you only get out of life what you put into it right?! Watch this space.....

PND and me...

I should start this blog by saying, I am not qualified to write this blog. I am not medically trained and I am not (as far as I am aware) a suffer of Post Natal Depression. So why and how can I write about it?

Being a new mother you can't help but be aware of PND, even before the birth, any books or magazines will mention it, and fill you with the fear that you might get the dreaded D. Then there is the birth, and the first visit from the Health Visitor...
"So how are you feeling."
"I'm fine, I feel like I just had a baby, but Im fine".
"Well, we will come back at the three month stage, because thats when it can set in,"
"What?"
"The depression."
"oh, right"

So Three months came and went, and I waited for it's arrival... But it never came, I was lucky I suppose, a recent study suggests as many as 1 in 5 new mothers will suffer with PND. I was one of the other 4.

If I have not been touched personally by it then why should I blog about it, what right have I got? Well I have recently read some wonderfully brave blogs by strong women who face the daily battle against the illness. I was taken aback by their courage at speaking so clearly and honestly about the battles they face.   I realised that if I do want to work in the world of pregnancy health and birth health then this is something that I should be aware of, and it made me realise what little knowledge I had of PND.

Before I read about real women suffering PND, I have to be honest, I thought (much like the rest of the public) that it was just a bit of an extension of the baby blues, crying, and feeling a bit sorry for yourself. I had no idea of the level of anxiety these women faced, the darkness and the physical as well as mental symptoms of the illness. More than anything, I am in awe of the strength of these women to be so honest about their feelings. I am embarrassed to talk about my own feelings of failure as a mother (yes we all have them) but to stand up talk openly about suffering PND I think is not only incredibly brave, but also something that is essential to remove the stigma and ignorance that surrounds the illness.

So although I have no right to write this blog I have done so for two reasons. 1) to pay homage to the women who have written such wonderfully informative blogs and 2) Just to talk about it, because although I still know very little about PND, I do know that there should be no shame or stigma in an illness (which if the statistic of 1 in 5 is true) is more common than suffering from migraines.

PND. Talk about it. End the Stigma.

Changing our habits ...

I will be returning to work in two months time and although the thought of being away from the frog fills me with dread, this presents some practical problems too. Since about four months old, the frog has been breastfed to sleep, every night. If she wakes - which she does, she will be breastfed back to sleep. She knows this is how she is safely and calmly put back into a restful sleep. She very rarely cries.

So we have to start preparing for me... her mummy.. her safety blanket to not be here. So we will be doing this in two ways, 1) by re-introducing the frog to formula and 2) by stopping her from falling asleep on the breast and ideally learning to fall asleep herself. 

Tonight was the first night.  At 7pm, Daddy gave her a bottle of Formula which she drank no problem at all. He put her into her cot, while I prepped our tea. After 15 minutes she was crying and boyf came downstairs. We swapped roles, probably a mistake, but I hate hearing her cry and not being there. So up I went. We played the put down - cry, pick up - sleep, game about four times. Frog does not like being put down at the best of times, but when she is tired - forget it. 

My back in pain from her 16llb weight, I walked strolled and rocked. Twice she fell asleep - put down, cry. At 7:40 I gave in and put her to my breast. Amazingly after initially latching on, she rolled away, eyes closed, so desperate to go to sleep. I put her straight down in the cot, cry. We tried again, but her belly full of formula she didn't want more milk, so again, she rolled away, I put her down, cry. 

I was in tears now. Please baby, please go to sleep, I promise Mummy wont leave you, I just need you to do this, I need to know you can do this. I picked her up, instantly she slept on my shoulder. We played the put down - cry, pick up, sleep, game three more times. The final time I put her down, she was flat out. In her cot at 7:55pm, she was asleep. 

She had done so well, the first night and mummy crumbled after 40 minutes, frog didn't tho. She didn't break the rules. It was as if she said "Come on Mummy, we can do this, we have to do this." 

It's going to be a long week. It's an unnatural transition that we are forced into making, I just want it to be as least-stressful and upsetting to the frog as possible. If that IS even possible. 

Im sorry frog x

Chapter 21 update

This is not just a pipe dream. This is not just a pipe dream. This is not just a pipe dream.

Sorry, I just have to remind myself of that sometimes. When I first met the boyf, I was instantly attracted to him. He blew me away like no one had before. He made me blush when I spoke to him, and I was addicted. I still am. We got together and we gave birth to the frog. This was the most life changing thing that has ever happened to me, I cannot express in words how my outlook on the world has changed.....and.... I honestly feel as if I have found my calling in life.

THIS is what I want to do, this is what I am here to do. This is why I met the boyf and what the frog taught me during her entrance to the world.  This is me.

I have to go back to work in January, I may be going back for a year, two years or 22 years, but I will be going back. This isn't a terrible thing, I enjoy what I do, and I'm (quite) good at it, so I will be going back. But what is different, is that there is another job now that I am desperate to do, something that I have to give time, energy and love to.

I am so passionate about promoting better birth experiences for women in the UK. It is something that I want to be involved in more than anything. I have spent time trying to build connections in this world, but I have quickly realised that this is not going to make me rich and to do this along a part-time career and a full time job as a mummy is going to be tough.

I have a training course I hope to complete in the new year, which will cost about £2000 and I really hope to take part in the Liverpool Volunteer Scheme. I have started to volunteer at the NCT and hope to do a Hypnobirthing practitioner course later in 2012. ...

Its going to be a tough couple of years, Im lucky to have the support of a wonderful immediate family. My little family of three mean everything to me and they make me believe that everything is achievable. I have a couple of very close friends who follow their own bliss and inspire me to follow mine, the girls on Twitter keep me going with their energy and commitment, and I stand in awe of their constant strength. Even the haters out there, the ones who think I'm off my head, on another one of my crazy theories, even you inspire me, you give me motivation to prove you wrong.

Chapter 21 is starting slowly, it may be slow for the next few years. But this is not a pipe dream. This is me and I am going to make it.

The weight of parenthood.

After having her second admittance into hospital the Frog finally appears to be on the mend and smiling again. Im so glad my little princess seems to be getting better, but her becoming poorly has left me feeling awfully exposed. Don't get me wrong, the frog is not ill, we are very lucky. She is a healthy strong little girl, she has had a common infection, and had a bit of trouble with her tummy. Nothing in comparison to what so many parents go through, but it is enough for me to feel the weight of our responsibility.

The frog has become ill on two occasions. Both times I have been on my own with her. Despite the fact that neither has resulted in anything serious (Thank god!) I found both incidents very scary.  I dealt with the situation responsibly and did what any decent parent would do, she got the treatment she needed and everyone was happy. Until we got home.

After two days of being in the safety of the hospital, the frog and I spent Monday alone as the boyf returned to work. After I gave her breakfast I looked at the frog, sat in her high chair and was filled with a sense of dread, fear, horror. I didn't want to be alone with her. I didn't want that responsibility. She was fine, I was fine. But what if something went wrong again? What if she picked something up while I wasn't looking? What if she started to choke, had a seizure or fell?
I know I could deal with it, but I didn't want to. I didn't want the bear the weight of parenthood.

We were of course fine.  We were fine on Monday, and Tuesday and today. This evening, the frog slept after her last feed, I realised that this is the curse of parenthood. The ying that balances the yang. Because for all the wonderful feelings of joy my daughter brings, she also brings a duty I will never escape.           I have never felt joy like the overwhelming pleasure she gives me, but for every smile that she creates, it does not come for free, the price to be paid is the responsibility which I now own. It is mine to keep.

I promised to look after her, from the moment I saw that blue line, and look after her I will. I would never turn my back on that responsibility, but I will never underestimate its enormity either.

The purpose of this blog is not too moan about the weight of parenthood, it is to say only this......

I love you, my precious precious little frog. xx

My Crazy Frog

Since Birth, the frog has been a little 'clingy'...although I hate that term as it sounds so negative. I don't mind her attachment, we have a fantastic bond.
I remember when she was first born, all purple and covered in gunk. She lay on my chest and was screaming! I held her close as I tried to comfort her. It took what felt like ages, as I whispered "it's okay, it's alright, Mummy will take care of you."  Eventually she settled, warm against my skin.... and that is where she has wanted to be ever since.

Frog has always had a problem with two things, sleeping and being put down. She has never gone to sleep on her own.... ever. She was swaddled until she was 12 weeks old, and I could no longer get the swaddles to stretch over her and for the past six months we have played this game over and over again,

Feed, sleep, put down, cry. Pick up, feed, sleep, put down, cry. She wouldn't even sleep in her pram. She would lay there screaming until I picked her up, which I inevitably did, because I HATE hearing her cry. So we have formed this habit. At 7pm each night she goes to bed, and so it begins.

She wakes maybe 3,4,5 time a night. Every time I do what she wants, I take her out of the crib, comfort her, feed her and send her back to sleep. She is the only one of our baby group who doesn't sleep through the night. And not only does she not sleep through, she is a bloody insomniac! I know she is not hungry, I know she wakes for comfort, I know I could leave her on me, and we would both sleep all night, but I'm trying really hard to do my best by her.

She does need to get used to her cot, she can't sleep on me or in my bed (I will not co-sleep) but at the same time I will not leave her to cry in her crib (Despite the advice of all my family and even my HV)... its so hard work and I am so exhausted. I have not had a block of more than two hours in such a long time. It makes me want to cry. The boyf understandably loses patients with her when she screams, and with me for being so soft, but what else can I do? I promised I would take care of her, and that is what I will do.

I will feed her when she is hungry, warm her when she is cold and I will comfort her when she is upset. Even if it is 2am, 3am, 4am and 5... that is surely my job?

If anyone has any advice, tips or words of encouragement, they are very very welcome xx

Human or Dancer

Do we build our own path or do we leave it to the hands of fate?

During our pregnancy with the frog I did massive amounts of research about birth, and birth choices. I was enthusiastic about Hypnobirth and used the technique during birthing. We had a lovely birth and were very pleased with the whole experience. It changed my perspective on birth, and in the weeks that followed I realised that, not only had I become a mother, I had opened the door to something else. A passion. A passion about birth, and becoming a mother.

The frog had unlocked something inside me, and I knew I couldn't let it end there. My research didn't stop, I spoke to Hypnobirth practitioners, read endless amounts of material and joined on-line debates and forums about birth and pre / post natal issues. I could read read read, and never get bored. Eventually I spoke to the boyf about my passion, and we agreed, this was not something I could let go to waste. This is something that I have to make part of our future. I am passionate that other people can have a positive birth and that there is so much that can be done to change the attitudes towards birth in this country. So work towards it we will.

But then real life gets in the way. I can not afford to give up work, We have responsibilities, two houses, two cars, a child, debt. I cannot be selfish and follow my dreams to the detriment of my family. Real life has jumped up and slapped me in the face.

So just when I sink back into my realistic but glum chair, fate plays a helping hand. Liverpool PCT are recruiting volunteer Doulas, to help people in the community. The courses are provided and payed for by the PCT. Unbelievable.

Honestly the same week that I start to doubt if my passion will ever become a reality, I receive the application form. Here is a way I can volunteer part time, and work part time. Embrace my passion, following my path, while not shunning the responsibilities of an adult.

So I ask you, are we Human, or are we Dancer?

Silent Sunday

I am new to Silent Sunday, despite having learnt today that a) it has been running for 10 months and b) that it has now ended :(... (thank you for the post @mummytoboo http://booandme.co.uk/2011/09/10/silence-for-silent-sunday/)

So I missed it, which Im quite sad about, but I understand how an idea can develop into a passion then into a poison. Hell, Jim Heselden died after one of his Segway's went off a cliff!

So despite missing the boat, Im going to try to join in the post-blog fun by adding my #SilentSunday, to mark the events of our week. We have spent the past week in a caravan, in a very wet part of Wales. It rained every day, but do you know what, it didn't matter. The three of us were together, we read, we talked, we ate. It was a lovely family holiday. So here is our picture to sum it up. Okay, so I know I just broke the rules because, it wasn't that silent. But its my first time... I promise to keep my mouth shut next time...

11/09/11  #SilentSunday

Am I a feminist?

Having just finished Caitlin Moran’s, ‘How to be a Woman’ (which incidentally is one of the best books I have even read) I find myself asking the question, Am I a feminist?

Well of course I bloody am!! I have spent my whole life being a tom-boy. From making a ‘Den’ in Reddish Vale to driving high powered motor vehicles and drinking like the best of them, I have spent my whole life with a ‘anything they can do!’ attitude. 

Here I am, working in a male environment along side ‘old timers’ with a ‘life on mars’ attitude to the working woman. I have worked bloody hard to get where I am, nothing has phased me,  I’ve taken it on the chin and am now respected as ‘one of the guys’. Hell yeah Im a feminist! Yet, at the tender age of 30, I am planning on giving it all up to be a Mummy. Whats more, I want to start my own business, helping women to do the one thing that will always keep them separate from men. The one thing that keeps the sexes apart, I want to help women birth. 

So am I still a feminist? I think I am. Birth has always been taken care of by the women folk, sisters, nurses, midwives, call them what you will. Since the dawning of time, birthing babies was women’s work. Until the 1940's when the men became involved. Suddenly laboring women were lay on their backs, in clinical environments while male Doctors rummaged around inside them using instruments of torture to remove their babes. Birth was transformed, in the 1940’s - 1950's birth was fixed. Except it wasn’t broken. 

Don't get me wrong, medical science is a marvelous thing, more babies lives are saved in the UK now than ever before, and this can only be a good thing. But thousands of women give birth every day, without the need of intervention. For these women, science can actually hinder the birthing process, leading to a painful, and fearful labour. Which can ironically lead to more intervention. It’s a vicious cycle of fear and equipment. 

So getting back to my point about feminism. Yes I plan to work towards removing myself from my current environment. But I want to do this, not to give in to the underlying sexism that still exists in the workplace (don’t even get me started on this one!) But to use my energy and will, to give women strength, power, a voice. But more than anything, to give women education and choice. 

In the1940's birth choice was taken away from women. Hospital births, bed births, births by intervention became the norm. Woman were left in fear and dread of labour, and the consequence was 2011 where intervention is an acceptable norm and cesarean rates are on the up.

So please don't think for a second that by following the trend of women who give up their career after the birth of a child, I am turning my back on my sisters. On the contrary, I have seen a massive injustice between the sexes, and I want to give the power of birth back to women. Yes I am a feminist. Yes I’m ready to fight. 

P.S. Never really liked my day-job anyway :)    

What would you change???

Having a newborn is a sacred and wonderful time. It is also, exhausting confusing and hard bloody work! It is made all the more difficult by the number of people who offer conflicting advice, and the number of parental help books out there. I now feel in a place where the Frog and I know each other, we work together well and understand each others needs. But it took a while to get here.

I look back at the first three months of her life with wonderful feelings of love and happiness, it was a joyous time. And to be fair, I think we did pretty well, all things considered. That is not to say however that there are a few things I would do differently (god willing) next time around.

1) Throw the bloody books away. I read a few 'parenting' books in pregnancy which gave a real insight into having a baby... until the baby came along. The frog wouldn't conform to 3hourly feeds or go to bed a 7pm. This stressed me out so much. I thought there was something wrong with her, with me. I thought she was hard work because I couldn't fit her into a box, but she was just a baby. Those books made me miserable and didn't help with my parenting style. Finally I realised, it wasn't us that was the problem... the books went into the bin!

2) Trust my instincts. This relates to point 1, but is not just about the books, its all that 'helpful' advice you get too. Don't get me wrong many of the little pieces of advice that were passed on were fantastic. But there is no-one that knows that baby like its mother, deep down, it think I knew this. I think I always really knew what the frog wanted when she cried, but lack of confidence and people giving 'constructive criticism'  knocked me for six. I wish wish wish I had trusted myself more, it took at least three months for me to have the strength to go with what I felt, and do you know what, when I did, life got a whole deal easier.

3) Spend more time getting naked and having skin on skin. Everyone tells you that they are not small for long, and it is so true. Already the frog gets bored if she is left in the same place for any length of time, even on Mummy. But when she was small, 6 weeks old small, she would quite happily lie on me for hours. I never ever appreciated that. I don't think I ever spent one full day in bed with her skin on skin. Only moving to use the toilet or eat. If I could have my time again, this is one thing i would definitely change.

4) Feed, feed and feed. Okay we have had massive issues feeding the frog. Mainly because she is hungry. Not understanding the supply and demand basis of Breastfeeding, not feeding on demand created a vicious circle, which mainly involved, one or both of us crying. I blame my feeding issues on bad advice and reading those stupid books. Frog was never going to feed every 3hours, I was lucky if I got two hours out of her. If I had fed her as she required then my body would have produced the quantity she needed, but I didn't, this resulted in a hungry baby and supply issues for me. I have to take responsibility for this myself though. I am aware of breastfeeding groups in my area and I was too scared to ask for help. If I had attended the groups while I was still pregnant, I would have had more realistic expectations and understood what I was doing.

5) Not beating myself up for giving her Formula. Frog still has one bottle of Formula a day. I wish she didn't, but she does. It is one bottle, it is not ideal, but it is one bottle. I need to accept that this is not a terrible thing and she will still be okay..... I'm still working on point 5.

6) Not trying to be me too soon. When the frog was five weeks old, I went running. I don't know why the hell I did that, because it did my fitness (and my pelvic floor muscles) no good what-so-ever. I was so desperate to feel fit again, but it made me feel rubbish, it affected my  breastfeeding and generally affected my confidence. There is no point in doing anything cardiovascular before 12 weeks in my opinion. I wish I could have shouted at myself, "You will run again, just slow down!"

7)  Take more pictures, Ah we only have about three or four crappy pictures from Frogs first day on earth. Obviously they are not crappy, but it was a wonderful day and this is just not reflected in what we have. For the frog more than anything else, I really wish we had more to show her from that wonderful time.

8) Stop doing so much. During the first six weeks of her life, I don't think there was a single day when we didn't do something. Of course we were desperate to show her off and to be a fabulous family, but in hindsight, all that rushing about slightly ruined that time for me. First of all, I was exhausted, I was just trying to please everyone else, dragging the frog from place to place. I was still getting to grips with breastfeeding and being awake most of the night, I just think we were trying to prove ourselves to someone.. maybe to show we could cope? I'm not sure, but it did us no good at all.

9) Make people come to us. My family and most of my friends live 45 minutes away from us. For them to come to us takes 45minutes in the car, for me to go to them was a full event. It was (and still is) exhausting, packing the bags, taking Frog in the car, disrupting her eating and sleeping pattern. I wish I was stronger, and strong enough to say no. To make them make the journey... hmmmm... Im still working on point 9...

10. Sit back, relax and breathe her in. Okay I do this, but not enough... I don't know if any mother could ever do this enough. If I cannot change anything else, then this is something that I must change and today.  To not be afraid of doing nothing other than smelling her head.... now that is priceless...

It's okay to grieve for me...

First of all I should point out that the frog is my life. I love her unconditionally more than anything in the world. That is not to say life with a frog in tow always smells of roses.

As Im writing this blog my friends have all met up for drinks to celebrate the bank holiday weekend. All of the couples are out, all except ours, only one half of our team will be making an appearance tonight and it isn't this half. I'm staying in to look after the frog, I don't mind this, I really don't. To be honest most of the time going out just seems like hard work these days. So Im quite happy staying in, with my cups of tea and my computer. Or am I?

Just before the boyf left for the pub, he came upstairs to kiss me goodbye. I was trying to settle the frog who had woken for the second time, having been put down. Woken with a scream of a cry, which she would continue to do until she was rocked back to sleep. I said goodbye, holding back tears. They weren't tears for him because he was going out, they weren't tears for the Frog because she wouldn't settle, they were tears for me. Tears for what I had become and what I had lost.

The person who I was has not died, but she is a long long way from where I am now. And it is time for my grief to selfishly be heard. I am sad to say goodbye to my energy levels, to my laugh, to my intelligence and my looks. I am sad that I can no longer flutter money away on things I don't need, or spend my Sundays nursing the hangover from hell because I over-did it again. I am sad to have lost my spark, my sex-appeal and my mojo. They are gone, they disappeared during evenings trying to settle a baby who refuses to sleep, and bra's that clip off at the pad.

This post may sound unbelievably selfish, but it is a truth that we never speak about. When I first had the frog, I tried to fit back into my own clothes too quickly, and this fills me with regret now. But to pretend that I slipped into Mummy mode easily would be a lie. I love the woman that I have become. I am proud to be a mother, but I also grieve for the girl I have lost.

After 5months and 3days, I have finally realised that I will never be that girl again. That reality is hard and cold. But I am okay with it now, because with grief comes acceptance. So ladies, please, do not let your motherly guilt stop you from accepting your present. It is okay to grieve for you....

Winging Weaning

Anyone, who talks to me for more than five minutes about babies, will soon hear me talk about breastfeeding and sleepless nights. Do they go hand in hand? I don't know, but one thing I do know is that I have one hungry girl.

She was born 7llb 5oz. In the first 10 days she put on a further 8oz. By the time she was 12 weeks old, she weighed over 12llb. All this was thanks to Mummy milk (yeay me). I'm not just telling you this because I want to big myself up, Im trying to paint the picture of the way my frog feeds.... Constantly! Up until I started the whole food thing, she would feed every two hours, day and night. Occasionally, she would go to three hours, but only after a bottle of formula (yes, I occasionally give her a bottle of the white stuff).

A few of my friends from the NCT had started weaning, but I just felt the frog was too small, too baby like. And I really wanted to hold out for baby led weaning. Then two weeks ago, everything changed. She had changed to hourly feeds through the night, and would cry through the day like she was a newborn again. After another sleepless Saturday night, I woke on a Sunday and decided. Today is the day, she is having baby rice.

A quick trip to the shops and we had it all, baby rice, puree pots, bowls, spoons, even special face wipes (I don't know why babywipes wouldn't do!) By now baby led weaning had gone out of the window. That day, that Sunday, I just knew she was ready, she needed something else. So we started...

Mouthful one never really happened. Mouthful two however, was more interesting, for me and her. As she tried to lap the slodge off the spoon, her body froze. Her expression priceless. If she could speak, she would have said "Oh my goodness.... This is amazing Mummy.. tell your friends... tell everyone.. baby rice is here!" Success.

A week after baby rice, I was stood in the kitchen puree-ing my ass off.  So far we have tried, Apple, Butternut Squash, Parsnip, Carrot and Banana ... she loves it. And more to the point Im getting some sleep!!!!! We are still waking once or twice, but hey I can handle that!

We didn't do BLW, I didn't speak to the heath visitor (naughty) we haven't even followed a book. To be honest, Im not really sure what Im doing, but it is making the frog so much more content and she has done some hilarious poo's. I love getting my apron on and making my little freezer pots, so ...so far so good....

I wanted to do BLW because I thought it would be more natural, but as it turns out, Im just following my instincts... What could be more natural than that??

Hypnobirting. The key and the secret...

So this week things have moved on regarding #chapter21. Slowly but surely I am making firm decisions and making an action plan regarding OUR future. I am very lucky that the boyf is almost as passionate as I am about the way that our pregnancy and birth has changed our life, and the realisation that this wonderful experience could be open to most families. *not all

It is like we have stumbled across a secret that we are ready to share with the world. So the mission begins. It will take time, and Im sure I will struggle to keep the focus at times, but for now we are so excited. Hypnobirthing made my home birth possible and I didn't really know what I was doing. I believe passionately, that given the right support, a fear free, positive birth is available to most families, my dream is to make it accessible to all. 

While my enthusiasm is in full swing I have been researching at every free moment, Hypnobirthing - the facts. A study is already being completed at The Central Lancashire University as the whether Hypnobirthing on the NHS is a viable option.  There is still very little research completed on the effects of Hypnobirthing and those that have been done are generally in the States. All of the facts that I can find demonstrate fewer incidences of medical intervention and a much higher percentage of having an active birth with a Hypnobirthing mother. 

As a typical Libran I wanted to get a balanced view, so I searched the internet for the negative side of Hypnobirthing.  Could it be perceived by some as dangerous? unorthodox? Silly? 

Well search I did.... and what did I find?... Nothing! Nada! Not one negative article!

 The most damaging piece of material I could find was an article in the New York Times from 2006 when Hypnobirth was relatively new. Despite the article being in overall favour of Hypnobirth techniques, the report covered the fact that many Doctors are still wary due to the fear of litigation. Litigation from what? 

Dr Jeffrey M. Segil an obstetrician who offers the HypnoBirthing option to every patient in his practice, states, "Women should not be set up to feel that they've failed if they can't follow through to a totally natural delivery,"

Well of course! As I have stressed to anyone who will listen.. Hypnobirthing / Home birth / pain free labour is not for everyone... but surely it should be an option open to all. This is my dream, my secret I want to share. There is another way. Labour doesn't have to be all 'One born every minute' full of screams and terror. It can be, it has been, and it is! the most beautiful, life changing experience. It has changed my life... and now I want it to change yours ....  xx

Follow your dreams

Over the past month or so, our little family has faced a scare. It was the type of scare that most people face from time to time in their life, the type that questions your mortality. Yesterday - Thank God - We were given the all clear.

During the time that we were 'waiting' my head was filled with thoughts of 'What if?' I made promises to myself to do X,Y,Z. To make the most of the time we have left, whether it be five years or fifty years. And then we got the all clear... Relief, followed by gratitude.  Then back to everyday life. The washing, ironing, baby feeding, changing etc, etc, etc.

It is so easy to forget and to let those promises slip away. At the top of stairs in our house is a sign that says ... Follow your dreams... I love that sign. Mainly because it looks cool, but also because the boyf bought it for me when we were not living together. Never before has that sign meant so much.

So now I am going to work hard to achieve X,Y and Z. Why do we wait until the worst happens before we make the change? I do not want this just to be a pipe dream, I want it to be a reality.

So now I will promise to make things happen and follow our dreams ....  WTS...

Time is my everything..

I was going to blog about the following things, Chapter21, Following my dreams, Changing our world, MEN!, the night out, date night.  I have had all of these blogs in my head for the past week, whirling round and round and round they go. I think of sentences and funny headlines and follow it with Must blog about that later. 


Later. Everything happens later. I never seem to have time. I feel like the White Rabbit.."I'm late I'm late, for a very important date. No time to say hello goodbye, I'm late I'm late I'm late"   This is of course my fault. I always want to fit too much in, I want to do everything and Im constantly playing catch up. I always have to apologise for being late and cancelling dates, and too be honest its exhausting. 


This stress junkie addiction of mine has become worse since I became a mother. Instead of slowing down (as I promised I would) I have started to fill my days with even more. Baby groups have become my latest addiction, I have to do at least one a day. The rest of my time is split between, feeding, playing / singing, endless washing, eating, Twittering, trying to maintain the housework (badly), researching my new life, reading the three books I have now started and not finished, shopping and my favourite... sleeping.  


I have 5 months before I go back to work and I feel like it is a time bomb. I must fill every day, every hour, every minute. I'm slowly starting to face the reality that there isn't enough time left. I need to prioritise and focus. 


If I really want to change my life for the better then there is only one person who can do that for me, and that is me. I need to learn to say no and use my time to my advantage or my dreams are going to fade away. Your time is yours. Mine is mine. 


As said by one of the greats... Time is my everything.