So Im going out on Saturday. OUT out. Like dressed up out. Drinking wine out. That sort of night out. It has been 14 months since my last night out... Have things really changed that much?
Aaaarggghhhh.. Im getting stressed just thinking about it..
1) What will I wear. In the past I would have simply bought a new outfit. Thats what I did for every night out, but maternity pay will not stretch that far.. So it will be my wardrobe.. everything from the past is too small and too inappropriate. Mummy's can't possibly wear that!!
Aaaarggghhhh.. Im getting stressed just thinking about it..
1) What will I wear. In the past I would have simply bought a new outfit. Thats what I did for every night out, but maternity pay will not stretch that far.. So it will be my wardrobe.. everything from the past is too small and too inappropriate. Mummy's can't possibly wear that!!
2) My hair. Oh my goodness. I love to change my hair, it is my thing, I love it. So I wanted to change my hair for the night out, but I can't justify that! Not for one night out..anyway, I wouldn't know what to do with it. I've made the appointment at the hairdressers twice, and cancelled both times. I'm pathetic. One minute Im full of confidence and YES we are going to do it... and the next.. No, no we are not. Anyway the hair appointment would be two hours and that's too long to be away from the frog and my boobs.
3) My make up. I havn't got any!! When I was preggers my skin was terrible so I stopped making an effort with make up to be honest. Is it okay to use 12month old foundation on your skin??
4) What to talk about. Okay this is a biggy. People are getting sick to death of me talking about my boobs! I see it in their faces 'Oh god, she's talking about breastfeeding again'. But it is such a big deal when you are doing it 10 times a day!! It is amazing how much it consumes my life now. But I have made a promise not to talk about it on the night out. So what else is there..... errrmmm... Poo? Nappys? Sleep patterns? The cost of breastpads - you see there I go.. slipping into boob talk again!
5) Dancing. Don't even go there. I've had MTV on all week in an attempt to cram study current dance songs. Seriously, if it doesn't feature on the latest baby Einstein CD, then I probably havn't heard it. And I sure as hell wont know how to dance to it!
6) Alcohol. Hmmm. If go out, I will have to drink. Otherwise Im not going to be able to relax and I certainly wont be able to have a good time. But drinking and breastfeeding is sooooo hard. First of all you have to pump for two weeks in advance just to make sure that there is enough in the freezer to cover the 24hour 'drink period'. Secondly if you don't feed for 24 hours your boobies hurt. They really hurt. So then you have to pump again. Pump and Dump. It's no good if it's full of alcohol, so down the drain it goes - what a waste. It makes me cry to think about it. It makes me feel so guilty.
Well now that we have mentioned it, we may as well talk about it. The awful awful thing that is Mummy guilt. This is my real problem. I feel so selfish for even considering enjoying a night out, drinking alcohol and being away from my frog for a few hours. She needs her mummy to be there, and I want to be there. Just talking about this night out I feel like a selfish cow, I sound like a selfish cow... not like a mummy.
Of course Boyf wants me to go... I think he is afraid I'm turning into a frumpy mummy so is virtually pushing me out the door. So Im going to go. The freezer is stocked with Exspresso, and I know the frog will be fine with her dad.
On Saturday night, I'll squeeze into dress which is too small, I'll cover my face with last years war paint, I'll bore my friends with my boobs, I'll be drunk after two drinks, Feel uncomfortable and old all night, end up home by 11pm. Probably wake the frog and fall into bed, pissing off the boyf.
I'm sure the next day, as the frog is drinking her expressed milk, I'll be full of hatred for myself because of my selfish ways. But I hope, I hope that for a small part of the debauchery... I may feel like me.
Well now that we have mentioned it, we may as well talk about it. The awful awful thing that is Mummy guilt. This is my real problem. I feel so selfish for even considering enjoying a night out, drinking alcohol and being away from my frog for a few hours. She needs her mummy to be there, and I want to be there. Just talking about this night out I feel like a selfish cow, I sound like a selfish cow... not like a mummy.
Of course Boyf wants me to go... I think he is afraid I'm turning into a frumpy mummy so is virtually pushing me out the door. So Im going to go. The freezer is stocked with Exspresso, and I know the frog will be fine with her dad.
On Saturday night, I'll squeeze into dress which is too small, I'll cover my face with last years war paint, I'll bore my friends with my boobs, I'll be drunk after two drinks, Feel uncomfortable and old all night, end up home by 11pm. Probably wake the frog and fall into bed, pissing off the boyf.
I'm sure the next day, as the frog is drinking her expressed milk, I'll be full of hatred for myself because of my selfish ways. But I hope, I hope that for a small part of the debauchery... I may feel like me.
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