Breastfeeding - The Good, The Bad and The Smugly.

I should start this post by stressing the fact that I am NOT a good example of a breastfeeding mummy. I wish I was because I love breastfeeding and I wish I could be a good example to others, but I have failed in many respects.

I could write pages and pages about breastfeeding but I'm going to try and keep it to one post and fairly brief (ish).

I recently read somewhere that the reason that most people fail at breastfeeding is because they have false expectations of what is required of them. I am certain that this is the reason I fail, I was in such a rush to get my life back, to have our evenings back and to be fabulous with my baby..... I regret this now :-(

When she was first born. I put her straight to the breast and she fed. For the first week, I felt the pulling sensation as she latched, but no cracked nipples, no real pain. We were naturals. I was so proud. So smug, earth mother me, I loved it. I was giving her everything she needed and she was gaining weight rapidly. There is nothing that can compare with the nurturing feeling of satisfying your newborn baby.

But it is hard, it is exhausting and relentless. No one can help you with it, just taking a shower has to be organised around feeds... the baby can literarily never leave your side.

I rarely admit this, but in truth, the frog now has one bottle of formula a day. It was first introduced when she was 6 weeks old, She was hungry all the time. especially in the evening and would be at the breast constantly between 7-10pm. I was so sick of hearing about other babies going to bed at 7pm... sleeping through the night, 4 hour feeds etc etc.. Little did I know, the frog was behaving perfectly normally for a breastfed babe.

After about a week, the guilt got the better of me so I stopped the formula. My body didn't know what the hell was going on, and neither did the frog. I was really struggling to satisfy her, then, the best and the worst thing happened for our breastfeeding journey. At 9 weeks - we went to Cyprus.

Throughout the day Frog was breastfed, it was so easy, by the pool, on a walk, by the sea, just whack out my boob and job done. But I was on holiday, boyf and I wanted to enjoy evening meals, and in all honestly I wanted to enjoy a glass of wine. So again, the one bottle of Formula crept in. On our return home, the guilt hit me again. I didn't want to pump our baby full of chemicals, I should be able to provide everything she needed. I did a further two weeks of exclusive breastfeeding, but it was making me miserable.

If I breastfed, the boyf and I had no time together, I felt guilty that our evenings were always cramped by me lying on the couch, unable to move because she was latched on. If I gave formula I felt guilty I wasn't the mummy I wanted to be and the frog was missing out.

It makes me feel incredibly selfish to say that at 12 weeks I gave in. It coincided with us creating the 'evening routine' which now works for us and the frog seems happier for it. (the routine - not the formula)

In my head the frog is a breastfed baby. She still only has one bottle a day, and I am happy to keep it that way for as long as we need. It's not perfect but neither am I, I am human, we are living in this modern, competitive world and I am doing my best.

If I had my time again, I would never of introduced the bottle at 6 weeks. I would have been stronger and sought help from the right people instead of listening to the advice of the 'bottle bunch'. It has made me passionate about breastfeeding. There is nothing in this world like the feeling of feeding my girl, I love it. I would really really rant about how wonderful it is, and help anyone to keep going. We are at a point now where I find it so enjoyable, I know we wont be able to share this time for ever so I savour  the special moments we have. I so wanted to exclusively breastfeed, I wanted to get to six months and say with pride that no formula had passed her lips. I wont be able to do that now, and this makes me sad and regretful.

Breastfeeding is so wonderful, the first time she fed with her eyes open I almost cried. Recently the frog has started to pull off, look up at me and smile. Its amazing, its beautiful and I know I am so so lucky, if I didn't breastfeed, I wouldn't have had these moments. I love love love it.

Last week in the press there was a debate about the 'breastapo'. Well my opinion (and it is just my opinion) is that HV's are so afraid of upsetting new mums maybe they don't give enough facts about giving up. Prior to us giving the frog that first bottle at 6 weeks, we discussed it with our HV. Although she was encouraging me to continue, she basically said "do whatever makes you happy".  At that point in time this was like a green light to me to say "Do it" "Do it" "Do it".
Maybe if I had been met by the breastapo at that point the Frog would still be exclusively Breastfed. ?

I can't blame anyone else tho, I just wish I knew then what I know now.

Im now being met my the "Is she sleeping through yet?" bunch. Already I have been told "Oh Get her on the bottle." and "Have you tried her on hungry baby milk?" My response?
NO NO and NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! At last I am being strong and doing what I believe is best. Maybe its too late in some respects, but my frog is happy and healthy, and so is her mum.

So next time I'm asked if she is sleeping through, if she goes 4hours between feeds, or if she is a hungry baby I will smile and smugly say "No, but she is breastfed." ;-)