Story of my life.

So here we are trying to get through Chapter 21 and it is already tough. Looking after the Frog while trying to study is hard going (as I'm sure any new mum who decides to embark on a new challenge will tell you). I've not returned to work yet, and the next few months / years are going to be really hard work. I know that, it will be a struggle to manage everything but I'm not going to be naive, I'm going to have a fight on my hands, but I can not lose sight of the goal. I can not let it fall through my fingers. I need to keep the momentum up and my dreams alive.

Here is a true story......

When I was about 19/20years old I was studying for a HND in Sport Science.  I wanted to be a Sports Development Officer at Manchester City Council. It was really hard to get into that type of work, and the only way really was to be a professional sports person (which I was not) or, to have a good level of voluntary work under your belt. It was a way-in, so I applied to the Sports Disability Trust through Josie Cichockyi (an athlete that I was lucky enough to know back then).

Early into the Summer I was bumming about at my parents house watching Richard and Judy, there was a competition on, so I called the 0898 number (sorry Mum & Dad) and left my answer. It was one of those phone in's where the caller answers a bunch of questions and wins a thousand pounds for each correct answer. So I left my name and number after the beep, and returned to dunking biscuits in my tea.

To my utter surprise, a lady from ITV called me back. I had got down to the final three callers, I was to leave my phone line open for the next 20 minutes, and if I was successful, someone would call me back. I couldn't believe it, eeeeeeeeekkkk  I was going to be on Richard and Judy!!!!  After 10 minutes, the phone rang...

It was Josie. There was a summer camp being run through the City Council, for kids with disabilities. There was one spot left for some coaching work, I couldn't believe it. What could I do???? I couldn't tell her to get off the phone, this was a call I had been waiting for, I really needed this work. I turned down the TV and paid attention to what she was saying. As I took down details of the job, I watched Barbara* from Northern Ireland win £14,000 in the Richard and Judy Competition.

I worked all summer as a voluntary coach, and I had a blast. The children were amazing and it was so rewarding, I honestly loved it. I still made the odd call to day time TV, but I never again got a recall, and never again came so close to £14,000.

The story of my life. It was a good lesson. Nothing is going to be handed to me on a plate, I'm going to have to work bloody hard to get what I want, but I can have a great time doing it.

Keep the dream alive. #chapter 21.

Chapter #21 update 22/10/11

I am writing this post so that I have something to remember my journey by. You may find it boring, it's not a gritty or glamourous post but it is my personal account of how I am getting on with chapter 21.

Last week I watched very inspiring video which you can see Here.  This video couldn't of come at a better time. I was feeling low about the size of the change I was trying to make, the amount of work that would be required and the potential financial suicide that I was about to committ. Then I watched this video and it made me cry with tears of passion. It re-lit the fire that was burning inside me and made me want to fight for me, for my family and for something that I truly believe in and love. I loved that in the video, Lindsey had kept a photograph record of her achievements and I realised that I should start at this stage keeping a record of my journey.

I do fear that I am spreading myself too thin. I worry that I will miss out on the frog, and she will miss the best of me. The truth is of course, all of this is for her. For our lifestyle, our life. I have to put the work in now so that she get the best of her mummy, her real mummy.

So here is it. I won't talk about my finances, but I will say that I cannot afford to not work. I need to earn a certain amount of money each month and bring in a 'wage'. So...

In January I will be going back to my day job. I am hoping to reduce my working week to a four day / 32hr week.  I have a meeting next month to discuss if this is possible and if I can stay in my office or if I will need to move. Either way, I will probably still have a 45minute each way commute... It fill me with dread to go back to that job, but it has to be done, so there is no point dwelling on it.

I have agreed the franchise on the Lazy Daisy Active Birth Class for Warrington. I have a home study manual to work through, as well as three books to read, marketing, research, advertising etc. I will start official training and taking lessons from Spring 2012. This will in time make me some money (I hope) and it will have to. The training is costing about £2800, which is not spare change, but I believe in this so strongly, I just know it will be a success.
Initially I am hoping to do one weekend and one evening class. If it takes off, then I will increase the classes and hopeful reduce my 'day job' working week to a three day week.

Finally I have applied to be Voluntary Doula with the Liverpool voluntary Doula scheme. This involves another home study workbook, where I need to produce essays, that are graded and if successful I will receive a qualification equivalent to an A level. The training covers birth, breastfeeding, PND, everything I need to support vulnerable women when they need it most. The training will take me to February, when I would be matched to a pregnancy and offer an hour of support a week, up until the birth, then two post natal visits as required. I am currently up to the interview stage. There are about 60 women who have applied for 20 places. Fingers crossed I get a place.

I almost didn't apply for the Doula scheme, I thought it was one stage too much, but the boyf convinced me otherwise. He has so much faith a belief in me. He can see how passionate I am about this, and he pushes me to be a better person. I love his positive energy, and he is right, this is such a good opportunity I have to at least try.

Above all other jobs and everything else, I want to be a good mother to the frog, I want her to have my time energy and love and I want to fight to achieve this. I want her to be successful in whatever she decides to do. I want her to follow her passions and believe in her dreams, so I am going to lead by example. Don't be a pen pusher following a pension. Be true to yourself and follow your dreams.

I know its going to be hard, but you only get out of life what you put into it right?! Watch this space.....

Chapter 21 update

This is not just a pipe dream. This is not just a pipe dream. This is not just a pipe dream.

Sorry, I just have to remind myself of that sometimes. When I first met the boyf, I was instantly attracted to him. He blew me away like no one had before. He made me blush when I spoke to him, and I was addicted. I still am. We got together and we gave birth to the frog. This was the most life changing thing that has ever happened to me, I cannot express in words how my outlook on the world has changed.....and.... I honestly feel as if I have found my calling in life.

THIS is what I want to do, this is what I am here to do. This is why I met the boyf and what the frog taught me during her entrance to the world.  This is me.

I have to go back to work in January, I may be going back for a year, two years or 22 years, but I will be going back. This isn't a terrible thing, I enjoy what I do, and I'm (quite) good at it, so I will be going back. But what is different, is that there is another job now that I am desperate to do, something that I have to give time, energy and love to.

I am so passionate about promoting better birth experiences for women in the UK. It is something that I want to be involved in more than anything. I have spent time trying to build connections in this world, but I have quickly realised that this is not going to make me rich and to do this along a part-time career and a full time job as a mummy is going to be tough.

I have a training course I hope to complete in the new year, which will cost about £2000 and I really hope to take part in the Liverpool Volunteer Scheme. I have started to volunteer at the NCT and hope to do a Hypnobirthing practitioner course later in 2012. ...

Its going to be a tough couple of years, Im lucky to have the support of a wonderful immediate family. My little family of three mean everything to me and they make me believe that everything is achievable. I have a couple of very close friends who follow their own bliss and inspire me to follow mine, the girls on Twitter keep me going with their energy and commitment, and I stand in awe of their constant strength. Even the haters out there, the ones who think I'm off my head, on another one of my crazy theories, even you inspire me, you give me motivation to prove you wrong.

Chapter 21 is starting slowly, it may be slow for the next few years. But this is not a pipe dream. This is me and I am going to make it.

Human or Dancer

Do we build our own path or do we leave it to the hands of fate?

During our pregnancy with the frog I did massive amounts of research about birth, and birth choices. I was enthusiastic about Hypnobirth and used the technique during birthing. We had a lovely birth and were very pleased with the whole experience. It changed my perspective on birth, and in the weeks that followed I realised that, not only had I become a mother, I had opened the door to something else. A passion. A passion about birth, and becoming a mother.

The frog had unlocked something inside me, and I knew I couldn't let it end there. My research didn't stop, I spoke to Hypnobirth practitioners, read endless amounts of material and joined on-line debates and forums about birth and pre / post natal issues. I could read read read, and never get bored. Eventually I spoke to the boyf about my passion, and we agreed, this was not something I could let go to waste. This is something that I have to make part of our future. I am passionate that other people can have a positive birth and that there is so much that can be done to change the attitudes towards birth in this country. So work towards it we will.

But then real life gets in the way. I can not afford to give up work, We have responsibilities, two houses, two cars, a child, debt. I cannot be selfish and follow my dreams to the detriment of my family. Real life has jumped up and slapped me in the face.

So just when I sink back into my realistic but glum chair, fate plays a helping hand. Liverpool PCT are recruiting volunteer Doulas, to help people in the community. The courses are provided and payed for by the PCT. Unbelievable.

Honestly the same week that I start to doubt if my passion will ever become a reality, I receive the application form. Here is a way I can volunteer part time, and work part time. Embrace my passion, following my path, while not shunning the responsibilities of an adult.

So I ask you, are we Human, or are we Dancer?