My 9 1/2 month canal.

This is how my brain works. It's not for everyone, but this is me.

My life is full of circles now. It's currently a three hour (ish) circle. It's actually more like two and a half hours but I like to say three as it makes me sound more organised. The circle starts when the frog wakes up. It's usually about 7:30, but sometimes its as early as 6am, other times it can be as late at 9 - although this is very rare.
So we wake up and she feeds, for about half an hour. I like that morning feed, it's probably the longest feed of the day. After the feed the frog is so happy. She is so content. I get about an hour, an hour to get dressed / eat / clean. Do what ever I can in that hour of contentment.
Then the shouting begins. The frog doesn't really cry, she just shouts "whaaaa," "Whooooaaaa" "Whhhoooooooaaaa". The shouts get closer together and louder as she gets more annoyed. I look at the clock. An hour and a half, I wish I could push her to two hours, but I know I can't. It's time to move upstairs.
So we go upstairs and frog goes into her cot. She's very good at going down now. Dummy in mouth, Molly Dolly in arms. She shouts a little more into her dummy until her eyes close and she goes to sleep.
Now I get about thirty minutes. She isn't a sound sleeper and is woken quite easily. But if she gets a thirty minute power nap then she will feel lovely when she wakes.
This is the first of my circles - sleep, feed, play,sleep.

My next circle is slightly bigger. It lasts 24 hours. It starts when the frog wakes up. We go round the smaller circles until about 5pm. Then we are home (hopefully) and I will be trying the keep the frog awake. She will be really grumpy now as she gets more tired. 6:15pm and its time for a bath. Frog does love a bath, she loves the massage afterwards even more. She lies still, watching me intently as I rub in her cream and recite "The hip bone's connected to the back bone...." - This is my favourite time of the 24hour circle. Its just me and the frog and she looks up at me with trust and love. After bath and massage time we have a little cry before its final feed and bed. She feeds again at 11(ish) 3(ish) 5(ish) and then we are back to the beginning.
This is my second circle. - Up, daytime, bathtime, bedtime, sleep / feed time, up.

Even my weeks are turning into circles. Monday - Coffee and NCT chat. Tuesday - Swimming. Wednesday - Sensory room. Thursday - Baby group. Friday - family / friends day. The weekends are generally for the three of us, the boyf, the frog and me. And then we are back to Monday.

Round and round and round we go. The only thing that is linear is my timeline. My maternity leave. I know it is going to end. It had a beginning, and it will have an end. This is what I force myself to think about. 9 1/2 months we have, the frog and I. It runs from March until January when the circle's will be no more and the line will come to an end.

I can see how it can become monotonous, these circles. Three hours, 24 hours, 7 days. round and round and round. But whenever I get fed up, and bored of going round I remember that the line will come to an  end.

I imagine my circles as large bubbles, kind of like those Zorb balls that people do these day. I imagine me and frog in our Zorbs, travelling along a long straight canal. At the start of the canal is March and we will have to get off in January. Every milestone that we achieve is a canal bridge and we are so lucky to pass under it together. In January the frog will carry on the canal, but it will be time for Mummy to get off. Time for Mummy to leave the canal. Then the frog will be in childcare, and someone else will be passing under the bridges with her, (while Mummy is at work anyway).

So next time I feel as if I'm going insane, I'll think about the end of the canal and hope somehow our bubbles can carry on together.  

We've cracked it!

So the frog and me are now three months into our journey and I am starting to feel as if I know what I'm doing a little bit.

This is down to her - not me. She has changed. Up until this point, the frog had a real tough time adjusting to life outside the womb. Suddenly she seems to have accepted the world, no longer does she need to be wrapped and bound before she will sleep, and has started to adopt the starfish position.

At last I can lay her down on her playmat and she will happily play alone, without screaming at 180 decibels.

We still have our problems... we have not perfected breastfeeding or timing or sleeping, but we are getting there... and dare I say it.... The swear word.... The word I hated for the first 10 weeks of her life. The horrible word that is... ROUTINE! Yes people we have adopted a routine.

Despite me hating the word and the question "Have you got her in a routine yet?" I  know I can say this with pride. Yes she is in a routine. I am proud of this, because we have not followed a book, or a schedule. I have NEVER done controlled crying and I have done everything at her pace.

So many people told me I was being to soft with her, because I would pick her up when she cried or because I would rock her to sleep, and swaddle her before she was put down. So maybe I was too soft, but for us it worked. The frog trusts me, she knows that I am her mummy and I truly believe she can feel my love.

So, she is an a routine. I could not tell you what she would be doing at 11am or whether I will be late for an appointment. But I know that after she is fed she likes to play, and then she likes a nap. I can read her and she can read me. We know each other and this is what works for us.

I'm so happy that we stuck to our guns and didn't give in to the pressure of 'The Gina Ford Generation' ....So Ms Ford.. I have a very contented little baby and I only have one person to thank for that..

My Frog x