My Crazy Frog

Since Birth, the frog has been a little 'clingy'...although I hate that term as it sounds so negative. I don't mind her attachment, we have a fantastic bond.
I remember when she was first born, all purple and covered in gunk. She lay on my chest and was screaming! I held her close as I tried to comfort her. It took what felt like ages, as I whispered "it's okay, it's alright, Mummy will take care of you."  Eventually she settled, warm against my skin.... and that is where she has wanted to be ever since.

Frog has always had a problem with two things, sleeping and being put down. She has never gone to sleep on her own.... ever. She was swaddled until she was 12 weeks old, and I could no longer get the swaddles to stretch over her and for the past six months we have played this game over and over again,

Feed, sleep, put down, cry. Pick up, feed, sleep, put down, cry. She wouldn't even sleep in her pram. She would lay there screaming until I picked her up, which I inevitably did, because I HATE hearing her cry. So we have formed this habit. At 7pm each night she goes to bed, and so it begins.

She wakes maybe 3,4,5 time a night. Every time I do what she wants, I take her out of the crib, comfort her, feed her and send her back to sleep. She is the only one of our baby group who doesn't sleep through the night. And not only does she not sleep through, she is a bloody insomniac! I know she is not hungry, I know she wakes for comfort, I know I could leave her on me, and we would both sleep all night, but I'm trying really hard to do my best by her.

She does need to get used to her cot, she can't sleep on me or in my bed (I will not co-sleep) but at the same time I will not leave her to cry in her crib (Despite the advice of all my family and even my HV)... its so hard work and I am so exhausted. I have not had a block of more than two hours in such a long time. It makes me want to cry. The boyf understandably loses patients with her when she screams, and with me for being so soft, but what else can I do? I promised I would take care of her, and that is what I will do.

I will feed her when she is hungry, warm her when she is cold and I will comfort her when she is upset. Even if it is 2am, 3am, 4am and 5... that is surely my job?

If anyone has any advice, tips or words of encouragement, they are very very welcome xx

It's okay to grieve for me...

First of all I should point out that the frog is my life. I love her unconditionally more than anything in the world. That is not to say life with a frog in tow always smells of roses.

As Im writing this blog my friends have all met up for drinks to celebrate the bank holiday weekend. All of the couples are out, all except ours, only one half of our team will be making an appearance tonight and it isn't this half. I'm staying in to look after the frog, I don't mind this, I really don't. To be honest most of the time going out just seems like hard work these days. So Im quite happy staying in, with my cups of tea and my computer. Or am I?

Just before the boyf left for the pub, he came upstairs to kiss me goodbye. I was trying to settle the frog who had woken for the second time, having been put down. Woken with a scream of a cry, which she would continue to do until she was rocked back to sleep. I said goodbye, holding back tears. They weren't tears for him because he was going out, they weren't tears for the Frog because she wouldn't settle, they were tears for me. Tears for what I had become and what I had lost.

The person who I was has not died, but she is a long long way from where I am now. And it is time for my grief to selfishly be heard. I am sad to say goodbye to my energy levels, to my laugh, to my intelligence and my looks. I am sad that I can no longer flutter money away on things I don't need, or spend my Sundays nursing the hangover from hell because I over-did it again. I am sad to have lost my spark, my sex-appeal and my mojo. They are gone, they disappeared during evenings trying to settle a baby who refuses to sleep, and bra's that clip off at the pad.

This post may sound unbelievably selfish, but it is a truth that we never speak about. When I first had the frog, I tried to fit back into my own clothes too quickly, and this fills me with regret now. But to pretend that I slipped into Mummy mode easily would be a lie. I love the woman that I have become. I am proud to be a mother, but I also grieve for the girl I have lost.

After 5months and 3days, I have finally realised that I will never be that girl again. That reality is hard and cold. But I am okay with it now, because with grief comes acceptance. So ladies, please, do not let your motherly guilt stop you from accepting your present. It is okay to grieve for you....

Time is my everything..

I was going to blog about the following things, Chapter21, Following my dreams, Changing our world, MEN!, the night out, date night.  I have had all of these blogs in my head for the past week, whirling round and round and round they go. I think of sentences and funny headlines and follow it with Must blog about that later. 


Later. Everything happens later. I never seem to have time. I feel like the White Rabbit.."I'm late I'm late, for a very important date. No time to say hello goodbye, I'm late I'm late I'm late"   This is of course my fault. I always want to fit too much in, I want to do everything and Im constantly playing catch up. I always have to apologise for being late and cancelling dates, and too be honest its exhausting. 


This stress junkie addiction of mine has become worse since I became a mother. Instead of slowing down (as I promised I would) I have started to fill my days with even more. Baby groups have become my latest addiction, I have to do at least one a day. The rest of my time is split between, feeding, playing / singing, endless washing, eating, Twittering, trying to maintain the housework (badly), researching my new life, reading the three books I have now started and not finished, shopping and my favourite... sleeping.  


I have 5 months before I go back to work and I feel like it is a time bomb. I must fill every day, every hour, every minute. I'm slowly starting to face the reality that there isn't enough time left. I need to prioritise and focus. 


If I really want to change my life for the better then there is only one person who can do that for me, and that is me. I need to learn to say no and use my time to my advantage or my dreams are going to fade away. Your time is yours. Mine is mine. 


As said by one of the greats... Time is my everything.