Not a post about elective caesarean.

Today there has been hot press about new guidelines from NICE that all women should get the right to an elective caesarean. As much as the poor Boyf has heard me rant on about this all day, I am not going to blog about it. Not today anyway.

Instead I have decided to blog about birth. I have only attended two births. The one in which I was born, and the one in which my daughter was. Both were natural vaginal births. Thus I only have personal knowledge about natural vaginal birth.

This blog is not meant by me to say, look how bloody brilliant I am, but, look how bloody brilliant birth can be.

This evening I have just started reading "Hypnobirthing' by Marie Mongan.  I am only two chapters in and I read the passage... "Reflect on how very special you are, as well as your feelings about the changes that are taking place as your baby develops." It made me think, about how very very special birth is.

I don't think you appreciate it when you are pregnant, or even immediately after the birth. But mothers who take the time to stop and think back to that moment, that point in your life, when your body did what it was supposed to do, what it was made to do. When you birthed your baby, and felt her on your chest, I really hope these mothers remember that moment with a smile.

We first notice how amazing we are when we feel the protective urge that we have for the little person growing INSIDE us! Then if you are fortunate enough to experience a natural vaginal birth, oxytocin (the love hormone) floods our body as it labours. Pain, yes. Uncomfortable, hell yeah! But torture it is not. Birth is not something to be feared or avoided. It is the most normal transition, which allows the existence of every mammal in the kingdom.

The same Oxytocin continues to flow as we birth our child's lifeline for the last nine months, the placenta. This large nourishing mass is not disgusting or gross, it is a marvellous extension of ourselves that has kept your daughter alive for almost a year. You produced this. You made this perfect environment for your beautiful baby to grow. This is wonderful. Newborns are not born, clean, cute and cuddely. They are real flesh and blood, they are your flesh and blood.

So following birth, your baby is no longer fed through his placenta, he need you to provide his milk, his food, he needs you to keep him alive. And guess what? As your milk flows, so does the magical Oxytocin. With all this love drug pumping around it is not surprising that women who have a vaginal delivery are a third less likely to suffer PND after birth.

So reading Mrs Mongan's famous book has forced me to sit back and reflect. Reflect on how amazing my body is, how amazing my hormones are, and how amazing bloody birth is.

Please don't fear birth, embrace it. It is what we (women) are designed to do.... And from my experience, it is .... well it is... just incredible.

changing our habits 25/10/11

This blog is not meant to be offensive to anyone, or to say what is right and what is wrong, it is simply somewhere for me to keep a log of our (hopeful) progress in the frogs sleeping habits.

Sleep deprivation, sleep training, controlled crying, crying it out, feeding to sleep, rocking to sleep. These parental techniques cause almost as much debate as breastfeeding, and likewise, each technique used is a very personal way of bringing up your child. There is nothing worse as a parent than not having confidence in the methods that you use. So whatever a parent decides to do, I strongly believe that the parent should believe it what they are doing.

This is where we are now, things are still not perfect, but things are changing slowly, and I believe so strongly in what we are doing now. I have confidence and faith that it is the right thing for her and us, and in my opinion it is slowly but surely working.

Before frog was born I'd read a couple of books about how important a sleep routine was, how important  it was not to build sleep associations and how at the age she is now she should be sleeping through. It breaks my heart to admit that when the frog was about 12 weeks old I left her to cry. Please don't villainise me... Frog is my first child, and I was acting on advise from the previous generation where CIO was unfortunately the norm. Anyway, it felt completely unnatural to me and made me cry almost as much as her. It also fed the fire of attachment that was burning in my heart. I wanted to hold onto the frog and never let her go.

So then we went the other way, I would feed her to sleep, co-sleep, allow her to feed when ever she wanted day and night, even if it was every hour, the frogs needs came before my own, and she was a very happy, content baby. But this had led to some unrealistic habits which, due to my impending return to work. I am trying to change.

I had been recommended the 'no cry sleep solution' and had managed to find the basic principles on line. To my relief I saw this is pretty much what we are already doing. I'm trying really hard to put the frog in her cot awake and to comfort her with cuddles instead of boobie. It's quite stressful (for me) at times and can take a good two hours of put down, cry, pick up, cuddle, sleep, before she finally goes off in her cot. Don't get me wrong, this method isn't perfect, she doesn't like it. She would be much happier staying on Mummy all night, but it does feel much kinder than other 'sleep training' meathods. I squeeze the frog with cuddles and kiss her each time I lay her down. She doesn't get too stressed, or scream and it just feels like it is working.

So after one week, things are already getting better. Frog twice last night fell back to sleep before I arrived at her cot. She went 4 hours between feeds (unheard of) and it only took two attempts of lying her down before she stretched out her arms and fell to sleep. Im not saying we've cracked it, but I do think frog is getting more comfortable in her cot.

2 months until I return to work, and Im feeling positive and happy we are on the right track. Love that crazy little frog xx

Chapter #21 update 22/10/11

I am writing this post so that I have something to remember my journey by. You may find it boring, it's not a gritty or glamourous post but it is my personal account of how I am getting on with chapter 21.

Last week I watched very inspiring video which you can see Here.  This video couldn't of come at a better time. I was feeling low about the size of the change I was trying to make, the amount of work that would be required and the potential financial suicide that I was about to committ. Then I watched this video and it made me cry with tears of passion. It re-lit the fire that was burning inside me and made me want to fight for me, for my family and for something that I truly believe in and love. I loved that in the video, Lindsey had kept a photograph record of her achievements and I realised that I should start at this stage keeping a record of my journey.

I do fear that I am spreading myself too thin. I worry that I will miss out on the frog, and she will miss the best of me. The truth is of course, all of this is for her. For our lifestyle, our life. I have to put the work in now so that she get the best of her mummy, her real mummy.

So here is it. I won't talk about my finances, but I will say that I cannot afford to not work. I need to earn a certain amount of money each month and bring in a 'wage'. So...

In January I will be going back to my day job. I am hoping to reduce my working week to a four day / 32hr week.  I have a meeting next month to discuss if this is possible and if I can stay in my office or if I will need to move. Either way, I will probably still have a 45minute each way commute... It fill me with dread to go back to that job, but it has to be done, so there is no point dwelling on it.

I have agreed the franchise on the Lazy Daisy Active Birth Class for Warrington. I have a home study manual to work through, as well as three books to read, marketing, research, advertising etc. I will start official training and taking lessons from Spring 2012. This will in time make me some money (I hope) and it will have to. The training is costing about £2800, which is not spare change, but I believe in this so strongly, I just know it will be a success.
Initially I am hoping to do one weekend and one evening class. If it takes off, then I will increase the classes and hopeful reduce my 'day job' working week to a three day week.

Finally I have applied to be Voluntary Doula with the Liverpool voluntary Doula scheme. This involves another home study workbook, where I need to produce essays, that are graded and if successful I will receive a qualification equivalent to an A level. The training covers birth, breastfeeding, PND, everything I need to support vulnerable women when they need it most. The training will take me to February, when I would be matched to a pregnancy and offer an hour of support a week, up until the birth, then two post natal visits as required. I am currently up to the interview stage. There are about 60 women who have applied for 20 places. Fingers crossed I get a place.

I almost didn't apply for the Doula scheme, I thought it was one stage too much, but the boyf convinced me otherwise. He has so much faith a belief in me. He can see how passionate I am about this, and he pushes me to be a better person. I love his positive energy, and he is right, this is such a good opportunity I have to at least try.

Above all other jobs and everything else, I want to be a good mother to the frog, I want her to have my time energy and love and I want to fight to achieve this. I want her to be successful in whatever she decides to do. I want her to follow her passions and believe in her dreams, so I am going to lead by example. Don't be a pen pusher following a pension. Be true to yourself and follow your dreams.

I know its going to be hard, but you only get out of life what you put into it right?! Watch this space.....

PND and me...

I should start this blog by saying, I am not qualified to write this blog. I am not medically trained and I am not (as far as I am aware) a suffer of Post Natal Depression. So why and how can I write about it?

Being a new mother you can't help but be aware of PND, even before the birth, any books or magazines will mention it, and fill you with the fear that you might get the dreaded D. Then there is the birth, and the first visit from the Health Visitor...
"So how are you feeling."
"I'm fine, I feel like I just had a baby, but Im fine".
"Well, we will come back at the three month stage, because thats when it can set in,"
"What?"
"The depression."
"oh, right"

So Three months came and went, and I waited for it's arrival... But it never came, I was lucky I suppose, a recent study suggests as many as 1 in 5 new mothers will suffer with PND. I was one of the other 4.

If I have not been touched personally by it then why should I blog about it, what right have I got? Well I have recently read some wonderfully brave blogs by strong women who face the daily battle against the illness. I was taken aback by their courage at speaking so clearly and honestly about the battles they face.   I realised that if I do want to work in the world of pregnancy health and birth health then this is something that I should be aware of, and it made me realise what little knowledge I had of PND.

Before I read about real women suffering PND, I have to be honest, I thought (much like the rest of the public) that it was just a bit of an extension of the baby blues, crying, and feeling a bit sorry for yourself. I had no idea of the level of anxiety these women faced, the darkness and the physical as well as mental symptoms of the illness. More than anything, I am in awe of the strength of these women to be so honest about their feelings. I am embarrassed to talk about my own feelings of failure as a mother (yes we all have them) but to stand up talk openly about suffering PND I think is not only incredibly brave, but also something that is essential to remove the stigma and ignorance that surrounds the illness.

So although I have no right to write this blog I have done so for two reasons. 1) to pay homage to the women who have written such wonderfully informative blogs and 2) Just to talk about it, because although I still know very little about PND, I do know that there should be no shame or stigma in an illness (which if the statistic of 1 in 5 is true) is more common than suffering from migraines.

PND. Talk about it. End the Stigma.

Changing our habits ...

I will be returning to work in two months time and although the thought of being away from the frog fills me with dread, this presents some practical problems too. Since about four months old, the frog has been breastfed to sleep, every night. If she wakes - which she does, she will be breastfed back to sleep. She knows this is how she is safely and calmly put back into a restful sleep. She very rarely cries.

So we have to start preparing for me... her mummy.. her safety blanket to not be here. So we will be doing this in two ways, 1) by re-introducing the frog to formula and 2) by stopping her from falling asleep on the breast and ideally learning to fall asleep herself. 

Tonight was the first night.  At 7pm, Daddy gave her a bottle of Formula which she drank no problem at all. He put her into her cot, while I prepped our tea. After 15 minutes she was crying and boyf came downstairs. We swapped roles, probably a mistake, but I hate hearing her cry and not being there. So up I went. We played the put down - cry, pick up - sleep, game about four times. Frog does not like being put down at the best of times, but when she is tired - forget it. 

My back in pain from her 16llb weight, I walked strolled and rocked. Twice she fell asleep - put down, cry. At 7:40 I gave in and put her to my breast. Amazingly after initially latching on, she rolled away, eyes closed, so desperate to go to sleep. I put her straight down in the cot, cry. We tried again, but her belly full of formula she didn't want more milk, so again, she rolled away, I put her down, cry. 

I was in tears now. Please baby, please go to sleep, I promise Mummy wont leave you, I just need you to do this, I need to know you can do this. I picked her up, instantly she slept on my shoulder. We played the put down - cry, pick up, sleep, game three more times. The final time I put her down, she was flat out. In her cot at 7:55pm, she was asleep. 

She had done so well, the first night and mummy crumbled after 40 minutes, frog didn't tho. She didn't break the rules. It was as if she said "Come on Mummy, we can do this, we have to do this." 

It's going to be a long week. It's an unnatural transition that we are forced into making, I just want it to be as least-stressful and upsetting to the frog as possible. If that IS even possible. 

Im sorry frog x

Chapter 21 update

This is not just a pipe dream. This is not just a pipe dream. This is not just a pipe dream.

Sorry, I just have to remind myself of that sometimes. When I first met the boyf, I was instantly attracted to him. He blew me away like no one had before. He made me blush when I spoke to him, and I was addicted. I still am. We got together and we gave birth to the frog. This was the most life changing thing that has ever happened to me, I cannot express in words how my outlook on the world has changed.....and.... I honestly feel as if I have found my calling in life.

THIS is what I want to do, this is what I am here to do. This is why I met the boyf and what the frog taught me during her entrance to the world.  This is me.

I have to go back to work in January, I may be going back for a year, two years or 22 years, but I will be going back. This isn't a terrible thing, I enjoy what I do, and I'm (quite) good at it, so I will be going back. But what is different, is that there is another job now that I am desperate to do, something that I have to give time, energy and love to.

I am so passionate about promoting better birth experiences for women in the UK. It is something that I want to be involved in more than anything. I have spent time trying to build connections in this world, but I have quickly realised that this is not going to make me rich and to do this along a part-time career and a full time job as a mummy is going to be tough.

I have a training course I hope to complete in the new year, which will cost about £2000 and I really hope to take part in the Liverpool Volunteer Scheme. I have started to volunteer at the NCT and hope to do a Hypnobirthing practitioner course later in 2012. ...

Its going to be a tough couple of years, Im lucky to have the support of a wonderful immediate family. My little family of three mean everything to me and they make me believe that everything is achievable. I have a couple of very close friends who follow their own bliss and inspire me to follow mine, the girls on Twitter keep me going with their energy and commitment, and I stand in awe of their constant strength. Even the haters out there, the ones who think I'm off my head, on another one of my crazy theories, even you inspire me, you give me motivation to prove you wrong.

Chapter 21 is starting slowly, it may be slow for the next few years. But this is not a pipe dream. This is me and I am going to make it.